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THE AGEING PROCESS

by James Clarke

had a visitor a few days ago – a mother and Men hate 50. They kid themselves it’s not an uncharted island below us and we should
her teenage daughter. I asked the daughter middle age. Middle age is 60. Isn’t it? be able to land on the beach. However, the
I how old she was and she said, “I’ll be 15 this odds are that we may never be rescued and
year”. The mother, rather unnecessarily, said, Sixty is more serious. This is the decade when will have to live on the island for the rest of
“In other words she is 14”. you retire and you have the feeling you have our lives."
climbed a long hill and reached the summit. The plane lands safely on the island.
Somebody, I forget who (or even whom) You retire and start tidying up your papers, An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
observed that one’s childhood is the only but you never finish. You settle on a brand "Esther, have we paid our charity pledge
period in life when you wish you were older. of whisky. A man might sometimes help his donation to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
I think the phase ends at 18. I recall feeling wife – mostly by wiping things; usually with "No, sweetheart," she says.
quite grown up at 18. Every boy does, until he the wrong cloth. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing then
meets a girl aged 18. asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish
Doctors start telling you to eat and drink less Appeal pledge?"
But children less than 10 years old are so and you start buying stuff labelled “For fast “Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot!” she says.
excited by the thought of being older that relief”. "One last thing, Esther, did you remember to
they start talking in fractions: "I'm four and Then it’s 70. People say, with feigned sincerity, send a donation for the Synagogue Building
a half!" “Seventy! But you don’t look it!” Fund this month?"
An adult would never say, “I’m thirty-four and At 80 you are now “over the hill”. This is great "Forgive me, Abie" begged Esther, "I didn't
a half”. only if you are on a bicycle. send that one either."
At 90 you don’t mind who knows it. Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug
When you reach 21, you realise it’s no big If you make it to 100 you become a kid again. and kiss in 40 years.
deal. Not like when you became 18 and you’re "I'll be 100-and-half in April!” Esther pulls away and asks, “So, why did you
suddenly old enough to smoke and drink and kiss me?"
do all the things your parents warned you FAIL SAFE Abe answers, "They'll find us."
about. Then comes the day when you wake Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a
up and you’re 30. Now you really are grown- two-week holiday to celebrate their 40th THE AGEING PROCESS, CONT.
up. You have learned how to behave in public anniversary. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was
which is really the only difference between a Suddenly, over the public address system, the Shut Up! - Joe Namath
grown-up and a child. captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, And Bob Hope nearing 100 years old: I don't
I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our feel old. I don't feel anything until noon - then
You reach 40. Forty is neither here nor there engines have ceased functioning and we will it's time for my nap.
– unless you are a woman. Women hate 40. attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see

24 • Issue 1 2020 • BLUE VALLEY NEWS