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BACK PAGE HUMOUR

VEGGIE TALK

BY JAMES CLARKE

Canadian that are pampered by music, soft talk and The neighbour called in her dog.
“even an occasional beer” grow several
biologists have more tomatoes than plants that are “Look, I’ll tell you what,” I said, “I’ll give
you an extra dose of 3.1.5 if you say
ignored.
just one word... No? Then what about a
discovered that But talking to plants is never easy. Much straight fix of superphosphate?”
of the time I cannot think of what to say -
plants have the even while sharing a couple of beers with No reply. I pulled the bean off the vine and
my tomatoes.
ate it.
ability to recognise Some gardeners say one has to talk I could hear it grumbling in my stomach for
tough. (“If you don’t produce decent
hours afterwards.
siblings. tomatoes this year I’m going to spray you I mentioned recently that Prince Charles
with herbicide!”).
admitted to the habit of talking to his
cMaster University researchers And when addressing a Brussels sprout, vegetables to encourage them to grow.
discovered plants can become what language should one use? A friend This is when the subject of language first
fiercely competitive when finds Esperanto is best with Spanish cropped up. A reader asked: “In what
Mforced to share their pot with onions and Swiss chard. language should one address, say, a
strange plants of the same species, but Spanish onion or a French bean?”
extremely accommodating when potted With Summer waning, I feel it incumbent
with their siblings. upon me to pursue this psychobotanic Tony Scorer of Florida on the West Rand
debate. (Don’t you just love that word – emailed me some time ago: “I never speak
“The ability to recognise and favour kin psychobotanic? It’s mine but feel free to to my vegetables except in English. And I do
is common in animals, but this is the first use it whenever you like). so sternly and then rip out the weaker ones
time it has been shown in plants,” said and glower at the rest. It works for me.”
Associate Professor Susan Dudley. I took some beer out to my beans one day.
Carol McArdle of Paulshof in Sandton
“When plants share pots, they get “Where are you going with those beers?” confirmed that vegetables such as
competitive and start growing more roots, (This was the wife from the kitchen.) Brussels sprouts and French beans
which allows them to grab water and “Nowhere,” I said. (She would never have respond to French and enjoy Mozart.
mineral nutrients before their neighbours understood.)
get them. But when they share a pot Some people are seriously serious about
with family, they don’t increase their root I had decided to have a beer with the this music therapy and this is why, I
growth.” - Journal of the Royal Society. runner beans and went up to a particularly suppose, they tend to play only serious
long one. “Hello old bean!” I said (jokingly music to their vegetables. I have never
I have never doubted that plants have of course). heard of anybody playing rock to their
intelligence. I wasn’t surprised at all to cabbages, for instance.
learn that plants know who (or even No reply. But I noticed out of the corner of
whom) their brothers and sisters are. my eye my neighbour calling her children One lady told me her root crops
indoors. responded particularly well to the
And I have long known that talking I moved nearer and lowered the voice: “As celebrated soprano, Birgit Nilsson.
to vegetables helps them grow. A a runner bean, have you ever considered I suspect this is because Nilsson is a
horticulturalist recently said tomato plants doing the Comrades?” Swede.
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