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hUmoUr

ARE wOMEN REALLY

FROM VENUS?

BY jAMES CLARKE

As more and more women headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation
are heading governments and 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far . . . " but before he
filling more and more cabinet could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere
and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from
posts, will it make international the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.
relationships more tolerant? Lisa: He died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
Will there be less war talk? last pang of regret for psychologically brutalising the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards,
Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
Are women really gentler? farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently
Abolishing War," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She
In the 1990s, Dr John Gray, an American relationship stared out the window, dreaming of her carefree youth - with
counsellor, wrote Men are from Mars, Women from Venus no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from
inferring that women do have gentler natures. Somebody her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
then cited an incident where English department students around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a
at California State University were asked to pair off. One had woman?" she pondered wistfully.
to write the opening lines of a short story; the partner then
added the next few lines. Then back to the first person who Dave: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds
continued the story, and so on. to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian
mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.
Lisa paired up with Dave. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Lisa: At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who
wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours
evenings, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on
in happier times that he liked camomile. But she felt she must course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverise the
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated
and if she thought about him too much her asthma started their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
acting up again. So camomile was out of the question. atmosphere unimpeded.

Dave: Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of The President, in his submarine headquarters on the ocean
the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more floor off Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion
important things to think about than the neuroses of an air- which vaporised Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The
President slammed his fist on the conference table:
"We can’t allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow ‘em out of the sky!"
Lisa: This is absurd. I refuse to continue this
mockery of literature. My writing partner is a
violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Dave: Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred, tedious
neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary
equivalent of Valium.

Lisa: Idiot!
Dave: Bitch!

(Quod erat demonstrandum.)
But I bet they dated afterwards.

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DPL