Page 38 - Dainfern Precinct Living 7 2021

HUMOUR
A HIKER’S GUIDE

TO BARTERING

BY JAMES CLARKE

bumped into an old friend the Thus I found myself with a hiking group St Christopher, I think, who said, “Show
other day whom I had last seen near the Golden Gate walking in valleys me a man crying in the wilderness and
y
I ears ago at a formal dinner of the crisp with frost. We slept the first night I will show you a hiker who's forgotten
Johannesburg Hiking Club. I had, at in a spartan 10-bunk hut that reminded the booze.”)
the time, just had a book published – me of a Siberian forced labour camp –
Survival in the Outdoors which had an especially in the frigid half-light of dawn In fact I really had forgotten to bring
‘errata’ note glued onto the title page to with all the balaclavaed heads sticking something serious in the way of anti-
make sure it would not fall out before the out of sleeping bags. freeze to drink around the campfire.
reader saw it. But I soon discovered that, among
They had laughed at my old-fashioned hikers, four squares of chocolate are
The errata had advised readers to ignore backpack saying it was not for grown- worth one tot of whisky. So are eight
my advice on page 45 which explained ups and one of them said I was carrying jelly babies, although a black jelly baby
how to follow the compass point while far too much for a two-day hike. They counts as two. And after a tough walk
travelling north from South Africa. I persuaded me to leave behind several I find hikers crave things for which
advised them to travel 20 degrees west items including my monogrammed 4-year-olds throw tantrums in
of true north whereas I had meant to serviette ring, my CD player and a supermarkets. It made me realise
write “travel 20 degrees east of true small generator. I was restricted to that had I indeed been incarcerated
north” A hiking party heading say, for carrying minimum rations – six chicken in Siberia, I am the sort whose
central Zimbabwe, would end up lost drumsticks, six pork chops, a steak, indomitable and enterprising spirit
in the Kalahari and having to eat each potatoes, onions, chocolate, jelly babies, would have enabled him to barter things
other, if they followed my advice. nuts and raisins. and so secretly build a turbo-assisted
Snowmobile, with power-steering and
It was a memorable evening because Hikers generally share nothing because, stereo, and escape to St Tropez.
hikers are an educated and interesting as somebody explained, “What if the
bunch and when formally dressed person who was to have brought the A problem when hiking is that one
are often indistinguishable from drinks or the fire-lighters doesn’t pitch? often meets up with Germans named
normal people. With a brilliant touch of We rely on nobody but ourselves.” (It was Schultz, Wolfgang, Ingrid and Brunhilde.
originality, the pre-prandial drinks were Not that I dislike Germans – quite the
served against a background of recorded contrary. The problem is they hike with
bushveld sounds. far too much enthusiasm.

I recall a Free State hike in which I took They stride ahead and then wait,
part just after I became my own boss patiently enough, for you to catch
after years as a newspaperman. I up sobbing for breath and coughing
was fretting because my spellcheck blood. And they say, jovially, “Ha! You
was down and I was writing a book made it, ja?”
with some long words. I needed a
break so I said to new boss, Then, refreshed as they are by
“I've worked for a whole week, Sir, schnapps and crappenworst, they
and I now need to get away to self- immediately stride on expecting you to
actualise.” “Try the Free State,” he said. follow when all you can do is lie face
“You are too kind,” I said. down in the grass sniffling and groaning.
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