Page 30 - Dainfern Precinct Living Issue 11_2023

Humour

I'M A PSYCHIATRIST,

LET ME THROUGH!

BY JAMES CLARKE

n his autobiography Youth, JM Coetzee asserted First, I said, she must not believe everything
Ithat happy people are not interesting. she reads in the newspaper (outside of my own
column that is).
“Better to accept the burden of unhappiness and
try to turn it into something worthwhile, poetry, Second, she must keep her happiness to herself.
or music, or painting,” wrote Coetzee. Many people might feel insecure at the thought
of there being a happy person freely roaming the
I have tried all three in my lifetime – as well as neighbourhood.
trying my hand at other things such as collecting
pictures of Hillary Clinton and growing spinach. Third, she must seek professional help.
None has made me happy, so I am not sure if it
was working for me. Lolly then asked, “What would the treatment
do?”
There was a Muscovite (which I thought was a It would, I told her, make her unhappy like the
kind of duck until I discovered it was somebody rest of us.
who lived in Moscow) named Reuben Vardanian,
a psychologist, who famously stated that “But that’s absurd,” she said with a slightly
money is not the source of happiness. He said, louder laugh. I could now hear hisses in the
“Whether you have $20 million or $55 million background, presumably from people trying to
makes no difference to your level of happiness”. doze in the library’s reference section. They were
no doubt pointing vigorously at the SILENCE and
I am sure this is true. I would be happy with a STILTE signs.
mere $20 million. And I would certainly be more
interesting. I’d even be happy with $10 million. “You mean I would have to pay good money
Even $5 million come to think of it – or even $1 to a specialist until, eventually, I’m thoroughly
million. depressed?”
“No,” I said, “not thoroughly depressed. Just
Yes, I accept: happiness does not move up and miserable. It’s so easy. Think of it, there’s so
down with one’s bank balance. much to be unhappy about. There’s the petrol
price and the price of cheese; there’s VAT; our
Years ago I reported on a lecture by the Liverpool politicians; Zimbabwe; government corruption;
University psychologist, David Bentall, in which Eskom; crime; the constant din of taxis crashing.
he said very happy people suffer a form of . .”
mental instability that distorts their view of
the world. Really happy people, he said, might “Being normal doesn’t necessarily rule out the
sometimes be mentally ill but they would be occasional smile,” I said. “But avoid actually
“unlikely to seek treatment.” laughing because, when you come to consider
the state of the country, you could easily become
Lolly Brower, a retired Johannesburg librarian, hysterical and have to go around asking people
telephoned me after reading of Bentall’s theory in to slap your face.”
my newspaper column. “I am worried,” she said
with a little laugh that was immediately indicative Too late. I could hear Lolly’s laugh hitting high C.
of her condition. “Most of the time I am a happy Above her shrieks and sobs I could hear people
person but now you tell me it’s a form of insanity. shouting “Silence! Stilte!” and “I’m a psychiatrist,
What am I to do?” let me through,” and “What book is she reading?
Because I want it next!”

30 DPL issue 11 2023