Page 14 - Dainfern Precinct Living Issue 7_2023

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Initiative

the immediacy and frequency of contact
between loved ones. More immediate and
effective than in the days of only letters
and expensive phone calls, they are used
to overcome the physical separation,
maintain and reinforce transnational
relationships and enable the parties to
stay actively involved in each other’s lives.
This ‘virtual’ bond makes it easier than
ever before for various generations to stay
close to family and friends.

While much emotional investment goes
into maintaining transnational contact,
being physically together was found to
be the ultimate goal of the parent left
behind. The longing to be embraced, the
touch and the handshake remained a
hope and aspiration. However, if physical
visits are not possible, never give up the
effort of keeping in contact and sharing
personal experiences and milestones.
I want to encourage you to maintain
multiple links to social networks and
to master the latest communication
migrate. The onset of the emigration funerals are particularly difficult since technologies to stay in touch. Migration
experience for the parent left behind they accentuate the loss, the feeling of is about memory and, most importantly,
commences when they are to deal with what could have been, what should have memory of relationships. The parent-child
the fact that the child has physically been. The parent left behind may feel bond has the potential to endure even
left and that the relationship as it was ‘childless’ because they are unable to be over multiple time zones.
experienced has irrevocably changed. The physically part of these special occasions.
child has moved physically, not just from They miss their grandchildren and Each parent’s emigration journey
the neighbourhood, suburb or town; they mourn missed opportunities to develop is unique with its own psychosocial
have moved to another country, possibly a bond with them. The ambiguity of challenges and emotions. Emigration
even another time zone. Therefore, the situation makes it difficult to come is seldom a singular affair; it needs
there is a loss of proximity resulting from to terms with the loss and there are no to be regarded as an interpersonal
geographical distance, which has a life- prescribed rituals for dealing with it. phenomenon. The way in which the
altering effect on the relationship as it was However, ambiguous loss is not always parents attempt to make sense of this
known. This type of loss is an example of problematic – people can learn to live life-changing decision has an effect on the
ambiguous loss. with uncertainty. emigration journey. How does a parent
find meaning in this ambiguous journey of
EMIGRATION EQUALS CHANGE The parent-child bond is the most loss when their child emigrates? There are
From the time the child decides to fundamental of all human relationships no clear-cut answers – finding meaning is
emigrate, the process of change is set and remains distinctive because of its a very personal and complex challenge.
in motion for all relevant role players. capacity to thrive and endure throughout
The child that has emigrated is physically the life of both generations. Literature However, folk wisdom declares that there
unavailable, yet alive and mentally studies of families in advanced age are two lasting gifts parents can give to
and emotionally still part of the family. suggest that aging parents and their their children – one is roots, and the other
This ambiguity of the child being adult children typically remain involved is wings. The well-known wisdom of Kahlil
simultaneously available and unavailable with one another over the course of Gibran concerning children says: “You are
leaves many parents left behind unable life. Geographically far apart and often the bows from which your children, as
to make sense of their circumstances and separated by multiple time zones, they living arrows, are sent forth...”
they subsequently feel immobilised. still constitute a family – they share a
history and a future. This geographical It takes a special parent to raise a child
AMBIGUOUS LOSS distance implies a transformation of the who has the confidence and courage to
Ambiguous loss is a distinctive kind of loss attachment bond as it was known and undertake this daunting task – the journey
that is immobilising, confusing and defies the challenge is to maintain transnational of emigration.
closure. During my research, I found communication in order to preserve this
that the ambiguous loss experienced by parent-child bond. Dr Sulette Ferreira is a Family
the South African parent left behind ran Therapist specialising in ambiguous loss.
like a golden thread through the whole The introduction of social technologies To contact her, e-mail:
emigration process. Ambiguous loss is into the lives of these families gives sulette.ferreira@gmail.com.
an uncertain and incomplete loss that distant individuals the means to manage
obstructs grieving; it freezes the grieving and maintain a connection. Modern Ref: Ferreira, S. (2016). The Experience
process. This type of loss is not always communication technologies, for example, of Parents Left Behind in South Africa
recognised by society, and subsequently email, SMS texts, WhatsApp, websites and after the Emigration of their Adult
the magnitude of the loss is frequently Skype have created a ‘global village’ in which Children: An Experiential Journey.
not acknowledged. Special occasions transnational families can communicate PhD Thesis (Social Work). University
such as birthdays, weddings, births and with each other across the world, enhancing of Pretoria.

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14 DPL issue 7 2023 DPL