Page 25 - Dainfern Precinct Living Issue 8_2023

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Today's Child
own role in a situation. They find it THE MOST IMPORTANT a crucial part of the formula i.e. reward.
difficult to adjust to the demands of BUILDING BLOCKS OF The parental team (mother, father, and/
their environment and will keep on PARENTHOOD or all the children’s caregivers) should
seeking extrinsic motivation for tasks 1. Unconditional love – children need to agree that punishment must always be
that have to be performed. As a young know they are intrinsically ‘okay’, ‘good age-appropriate and the rule of thumb is
teenager flippantly responded to the enough’ and do not have to perform for consistency. This teaches children about
question of how she motivates herself to you to accept them unconditionally. consequences and to think before they
study, she said: “I don’t. My parents buy act. It is never acceptable to physically
me stuff and give me money.” 2. Consistency – children flourish when punish a child when you are angry as
there are routines. If life (and discipline) this models undesirable behaviour. Ideal
One must understand intrinsic versus is predictable, they can figure out how behaviour and not patterns of behaviour,
extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation to control their part in it, learn to take as listed earlier in the article, should be
is when people do things because responsibility and, in that way, develop rewarded consistently.
they feel proud of themselves when strong self-esteem.
they do them. They have a sense of The rewards should not be material in
accomplishment and achievement. 3. Availability – children thrive on nature, but rather consist of positive
Extrinsic motivation is when someone knowing they can count on you to verbal responses such as ‘well done’,
does something because of external be there, whether it is to listen, help, ‘great job’, or ‘way to go!’ – as well as
motivation – for example, they will support or just be a witness to their special activities that your child enjoys,
receive money, a toy or privilege if they accomplishments. By sparing them the such as baking cupcakes on Saturday,
do the task. time, you will create an environment going fishing at the lake or visiting
If you always reward your children conducive to conversation and shared friends. This should not be held as a
with material things, they will never experiences. condition, but if you can give your child
learn how to motivate themselves with a goal to work towards, it can act as a
internal rewards such as taking pride Traditionally, discipline is used strong motivator.
never learn to value things because discouragement, to correct undesirable I have also witnessed the success of
as a negative consequence or
in what they accomplish. They will also
various creative behavioural charts. For
behaviour. However, this equals
there are so many rewards and nothing
is special.
discipline to punishment and excludes
some ideas, visit www.kidpointz.com.
TheBrat factor 1. WHAT CAN I DO TO REVERSE THE EFFECTS?

Make sure your children aren’t defining their happiness
happening,” that open-ended question might give
the child room to speculate. You might be surprised
and their status in the world as a function of what they
wear or drive. Sit down with them and have a one-on-
Stay calm. Losing your temper over bad behaviour
one conversation about what really defines their worth 7. by what you learn.
– their intelligence, their creativity, their caring, their only makes you feel bad and look out of control
giving, their work ethic, etc. (kind of like a spoilt child), and it doesn’t teach the
2. Make sure your child understands the value of hard child to behave any better – in fact, the child may
work. The difference between winners and losers well follow your bad tempered examples later in
is that winners do things losers don’t want to do – life.
working hard to get ready to be a star! Help your 8. A child out of control is a cry for help, not a sign that
children set goals. Teach them that striving to own the child is spoilt. Best to start early and set limits
nice things is fine if they understand how much hard consistently, understand the developmental needs of
work it takes to be able to afford them. the infant and young child to find this delicate, critical
3. Your children do not have to love you every minute balance between freedom and limits.
of the day. They’ll get over the disappointment of 9. Don’t let your guilt get in the way of your parenting.
having been told ‘no’. But they won’t get over the Your job as a parent is to prepare your children
effects of being spoilt. to succeed in school and prepare them for when
4. Set age-appropriate boundaries so that children go they go out into the world. You don’t want to teach
after life exuberantly, testing the limits. You can start your children they will get everything through
during the toddler years. manipulation, pouting, crying, door-slamming and
5. Be consistent. Always do what you say you’re going guilt induction.
to do. If you tell your children certain behaviour will
have consequences, they should know you mean it. If you want your children to help clean up, how do you get
“This time I’m really taking the toy away if you don’t them to do it? You say, “We need to get four things done.
play nicely,” doesn’t work when you’ve already said Which do you choose?” Start by doing it together, then
it 10 times. Reinforce positive behaviour more than gradually fade out of the picture. Praise your children as
you harp on negative behaviour and show your they do more.
approval when they say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’
and when they play gently with friends. Often, when parents decide to reverse the tide, they focus
6. Talk openly about acceptable behaviour as they too much on ‘no’ and on punishment. But it’s not about
get older. School-age and adolescent children are cracking down. It’s about creating a value system that lets
capable of insight so sit down and try to figure out kids learn life skills. Remember, the shock of changing
problems together. For example, if you ask a child, everything means we change nothing – so take it slowly.
“Why are you doing this?” the child may not be able You have to make slow, progressive changes to get it
to tell you. But if you say, “I wonder why this keeps right.

Suzette Weideman is a clinical psychologist specialising in parental guidance, family interventions, couples
counselling, coping through and after traumatic incidents, and animal-assisted therapies.
For more information, visit: www.suzetteweidemanpsych.co.za
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