Page 50 - FourWaysGardens Issue 10 2021

Humour

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perFormance-enhancing Drugs

B y Ja M es c la R ke
I NEgA-SPORTAgRA – This drug had the “Twenty-five cents a packet? One more
have it from a very unreliable source
strange effect of making men want to turn
that Pfizer, buoyed by the huge success
price rise and I’m giving up smoking!"
of Viagra, is now researching a whole
"I don't believe that the bioscope does
off televised sports and actually chat with
line of drugs aimed at improving the
CAPAgRA – Caused test subjects to
say 'bloody' and 'damn'. Kids are bound to
performance of men in other ways. the family. kids any good. You hear film stars openly
become uncharacteristically fastidious follow suit."
Here are some of them: about lowering toilet seats and replacing "Guess what? Amanda's got one of those
BUYAgRA – Married and otherwise toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses electric typewriters! Seriously! And she’s
attached men reported they experienced a were seen dusting furniture. getting almost R100 a month."
sudden urge to buy their partners flowers "Gordon Forbes says Wimbledon tennis
and little gifts after taking this drug for only For adults only players should get at least R500 for playing
two days. The following is for grown-ups only. in the finals."
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental Everybody under the age of 50 can go "Have you seen the new Chevvy station
new drug were far more likely to actually outside and play until I call you in again. wagon? R1 200! Who's going to pay that for
finish a household repair project before (You’ll never believe this stuff anyway.) heaven’s sake?"
starting a new one. Things overheard in 1961: "We went to a restaurant last night – they
DiRECTRA – A dose of this drug given to "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going wanted R2.50 for 12 queen prawns! We
men before leaving on car trips caused the way they are, it's soon going to be ordered barracuda instead at R1.50. Our
72% of them to stop and ask for directions impossible to buy a week's groceries for R15." favourite wine's now 25c a bottle!"
when they got lost compared with a control "They want to call Johannesburg's "Do you know there are 100 computers in
group where only 0.2% asked for directions. southwestern townships “Verwoerdburg”. South Africa? By next year there’ll be another
CHilDAgRA – Men taking this drug Others say that, as the area is known as 20! And somebody predicts that NCR's
reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to Southwestern Township, it should be called R1 million room-sized computer will be down
perform more child care tasks, especially Soweto. That'll never catch on, surely?" to pocket-size one day and sell for R10. Ha!”
cleaning up spills and changing nappies. "Do you think the police will ever catch this "Do you like it? I paid R3.50 for the blouse
COMPliMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82% of fellow, Nelson Mandela?" and R7.95 for the skirt at Foschini."
middle-aged men administered this drug "What's all this about the Russians walling "Our favourite Cape coast hotel now
noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. off Berlin?" wants R30 a week for the two of us. We've
It’s currently being tested to see if its effects "I shouldn't have bought this Mercedes – it cancelled, of course."
extend to noticing new clothing. cost almost R3 to fill it up this morning." (OK kids, you can come inside now.)

Fourways Gardens • 48 • November 2021