Page 42 - Fourways Gardens June 2021

Humour

MAil order KniGhthood!

B y Jame S Clarke

here’s been a lot of excited at the thought of all
talk lately of people these titles.)
in high places calling
Tthemselves doctors and For $200 and six photographs
professors when in fact they had one gets into the serious stuff:
no such qualification. It reminded "six various honours including
me of a period, not that long three medals with band" (a ‘toot
ago, when Russia abandoned ensemble’?). He adds "you may
old fashioned communism and include members of your family
allowed a freer society. It led to and friends".
a number of people assuming
long-forgotten titles of which Not believing in half-measures
some were very suspect. I posted off $500 and a dozen
pictures of myself in adulthood.
At the time, I received (and I
am not kidding) a letter from The weeks went by. I could
Dr B J in der Busch (seriously, hardly sleep. Then, very early one
seriously, that was his name) morning, there came a Dutch-
of Hemelijnstraat, Groesbeek, sounding knock at the door.
Holland who signed himself
‘Emeritus Professor of My wife answered the door and
Economics; Grand Prior of the called up to me: "Coo-ee! Baby
Templar Order, Chancellor of shoes!"
the Lofsensic Ursinius Order and
Member of the Academy Midi’. "What is it, Chicken Pie?" I called
down from the bedroom as I
The letter was headed HONOURS tried to fish my teeth out of the
and the professor listed honours tooth mug.
that were currently available. IMAGE by WILLIAM ADAMS FROM PIxAbAy "There's a man at the door with

I must confess I hunger for a long sword who wants to fight
honours. I belong to that sector you. Oh! Hang on. No. Sorry...
of society which has initials only He wants to KNIGHT you! He
in front of their names. wishes to bestow upon you a
‘passport-like identification book, three knighthood and proclaim you
I knew of an academic who added ‘OMD’ after buttons for the coat and a large plasticised heir to the throne of Silesia."
his genuine ‘PhD (Oxon), MSc (Rand)’ and he diploma for the wall’. All I had to do was
told me I was the only person who had asked send $140 (US) and three photographs. "Does he come with a plasticised diploma?"
him what it meant. It stands for ‘honorary I shouted back.
member of Densa’ - Densa being the club I Or - for the same price plus three
formed many years ago for those, like me, photographs - I could become a Knight of "He says he comes with some assorted
who were too stupid to get into Mensa. the Templar Order (12th Century) which crown jewels - oh, and a tiger's eye for the
comes with two sealed diplomas. kids. And, guess what?"
A friend suggested I add N.U.T.S. after my
name – it stands for ‘not understanding the A knighthood in the Order of the Lofsensic "I am trying to think, my Sugar Plum."
system’. Ursinius Order (10th Century) can be had (THINKS like anything.) "I give up. What?"
for a mere $100 and just one photograph.
Dr in der Busch’s letter offered membership So can a knighthood of the Holy Grail (King "He has just made me Baroness of Boukaap.”
of the ‘Maison Internationale des Parzival), or a knighthood of the Order
Intellectuels’ in Paris. Me! That is to say, Moi! Circulo Nobilario de las Cabelleros, or a "Tell him that as soon as I get my teeth in I'll
Une intellectuel! Le porte jarrefelles de ma Captain of the Legion de L'Aigle de Mer be right down."
tante et dans le champs! Vragtig! which includes a medal (‘large’).
"He says you don't need your teeth - he's
If I became a member I would get a Le croissance! Touts! (I'm sorry, I get very offering knighthoods not Gouda cheese."

Fourways Gardens • 40 • June 2021