Page 30 - Irene Farm Villages 2021

Humour

IMAGE: ISTOCK

pERFORMANCE-ENHANCING dRuGS

BY JAMES CLARKE

have it from a very unreliable source the strange effect of making men want to “Twenty-five cents a packet? One more
that Pfizer, buoyed by the huge turn off televised sports and actually chat price rise and I’m giving up smoking!"
I success of Viagra, is now researching with the family. "I don't believe that the bioscope does
a whole line of drugs aimed at improving CAPAGRA – Caused test subjects to kids any good. You hear film stars openly
the performance of men in other ways. become uncharacteristically fastidious say 'bloody' and 'damn'. Kids are bound to
Here are some of them: about lowering toilet seats and replacing follow suit."
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher "Guess what? Amanda's got one of
attached men reported they experienced doses were seen dusting furniture. those electric typewriters! Seriously! And
a sudden urge to buy their partners she’s getting almost R100 a month."
flowers and little gifts after taking this For adults only "Gordon Forbes says Wimbledon
drug for only two days. The following is for grown-ups only. tennis players should get at least R500 for
PROJECTRA – Men given this Everybody under the age of 50 can go playing in the finals."
experimental new drug were far more outside and play until I call you in again. "Have you seen the new Chevvy station
likely to actually finish a household repair (You’ll never believe this stuff anyway.) wagon? R1 200! Who's going to pay that
project before starting a new one. Things overheard in 1961: for heaven’s sake?"
DIRECTRA – A dose of this drug "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep "We went to a restaurant last night
given to men before leaving on car trips going the way they are, it's soon going to – they wanted R2.50 for 12 queen
caused 72% of them to stop and ask for be impossible to buy a week's groceries prawns! We ordered barracuda instead
directions when they got lost compared for R15." at R1.50. Our favourite wine's now 25c
with a control group where only 0.2% "They want to call Johannesburg's a bottle!"
asked for directions. southwestern townships “Verwoerdburg”. "Do you know there are 100 computers
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug Others say that, as the area is known as in South Africa? By next year there’ll be
reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to Southwestern Township, it should be another 20! And somebody predicts that
perform more child care tasks, especially called Soweto. That'll never catch on, NCR’s R1 million room-sized computer
cleaning up spills and changing nappies. surely?" will be down to pocket-size one day and
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, "Do you think the police will ever catch sell for R10. Ha!”
82% of middle-aged men administered this fellow, Nelson Mandela?" "Do you like it? I paid R3.50 for the
this drug noticed that their wives had a "What's all this about the Russians blouse and R7.95 for the skirt at Foschini."
new hairstyle. It’s currently being tested walling off Berlin?" "Our favourite Cape coast hotel now
to see if its effects extend to noticing new "I shouldn't have bought this Mercedes wants R30 a week for the two of us. We've
clothing. – it cost almost R3 to fill it up this cancelled, of course."
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had morning." (OK kids, you can come inside now.)

28 • Issue 11 2021 • The Villager