Page 34 - The Villager June 2021

Humour

mAil orDer knighthooD!

BY JAMES CLARKE
here’s been a lot of L'Aigle de Mer which includes a
talk lately of people medal (‘large’).
Tin high places calling Le croissance! Touts! (I'm
themselves doctors and sorry, I get very excited at the
professors when in fact they thought of all these titles.)
had no such qualification. It For $200 and six photographs
reminded me of a period, not one gets into the serious stuff:
that long ago, when Russia "six various honours including
abandoned old fashioned three medals with band" (a
communism and allowed a ‘toot ensemble’?). He adds
freer society. It led to a number "you may include members of
of people assuming long- your family and friends".
forgotten titles of which some Not believing in half-
were very suspect. measures I posted off $500
At the time, I received (and and a dozen pictures of myself
I am not kidding) a letter from in adulthood.
Dr B J in der Busch (seriously, The weeks went by. I could
seriously, that was his name) hardly sleep. Then, very early
of Hemelijnstraat, Groesbeek, one morning, there came a
Holland who signed himself Dutch-sounding knock at the
‘Emeritus Professor of door.
Economics; Grand Prior of the My wife answered the door
Templar Order, Chancellor of and called up to me: "Coo-ee!
the Lofsensic Ursinius Order IMAGE BY WILLIAM ADAMS FROM PIxABAY Baby Shoes!"
and Member of the Academy "What is it, Chicken Pie?" I
Midi’. called down from the bedroom
The letter was headed as I tried to fish my teeth out of
HONOURS and the professor the tooth mug.
listed honours that were currently Me! That is to say, Moi! Une intellectuel! "There's a man at the door with a long
available. Le porte jarrefelles de ma tante et dans sword who wants to fight you. Oh! Hang
I must confess I hunger for honours. le champs! Vragtig! on. No. Sorry... He wants to KNIGHT
I belong to that sector of society which If I became a member I would get you! He wishes to bestow upon you a
has initials only in front of their names. a ‘passport-like identification book, knighthood and proclaim you heir to the
I knew of an academic who added three buttons for the coat and a large throne of Silesia."
‘OMD’ after his genuine ‘PhD (Oxon), plasticised diploma for the wall’. All I "Does he come with a plasticised
MSc (Rand)’ and he told me I was the had to do was send $140 (US) and three diploma?" I shouted back.
only person who had asked him what it photographs. "He says he comes with some assorted
meant. It stands for ‘honorary member Or - for the same price plus three crown jewels - oh, and a tiger's eye for
of Densa’ - Densa being the club I photographs - I could become a Knight the kids. And, guess what?"
formed many years ago for those, like of the Templar Order (12th Century) "I am trying to think, my Sugar Plum."
me, who were too stupid to get into which comes with two sealed diplomas. (THINKS like anything.) "I give up. What?"
Mensa. A knighthood in the Order of the "He has just made me Baroness of
A friend suggested I add N.U.T.S. Lofsensic Ursinius Order (10th Century) Boukaap.”
after my name – it stands for ‘not can be had for a mere $100 and just one "Tell him that as soon as I get my teeth
understanding the system’. photograph. So can a knighthood of the in I'll be right down."
Dr in der Busch’s letter offered Holy Grail (King Parzival), or a knighthood "He says you don't need your teeth -
membership of the ‘Maison of the Order Circulo Nobilario de las he's offering knighthoods not Gouda
Internationale des Intellectuels’ in Paris. Cabelleros, or a Captain of the Legion de cheese."

32 • Issue 6 2021 • The Villager