Page 34 - The Villager August 2021

Humour

a hikEr’s guidE to bartEring

BY JAMES CLARKE

bumped into an old friend the other “Try the Free State,” he said. beverage. So are eight jelly babies. And
day whom I had last seen years ago at “You are too kind,” I said. after a tough walk I find hikers crave things
I formal dinner of the Johannesburg Thus I found myself with a hiking group for which 4-year-olds throw tantrums in
a
Hiking Club. I had, at the time, just had a near the Golden Gate walking in valleys supermarkets.
book published - Survival in the Outdoors crisp with frost. We slept the first night in a It made me realise that had I indeed
which had an ‘errata’ note glued onto the spartan 10-bunk hut that reminded me of been incarcerated in Siberia, I am the sort
title page to make sure it would not fall out a Siberian forced labour camp - especially whose indomitable and enterprising spirit
before the reader saw it. in the frigid half-light of dawn with all the would have enabled him to barter things
The errata had advised readers to balaclavaed heads sticking out of sleeping and so secretly build a turbo-assisted
ignore my advice on page 45 which bags. Snowmobile, with power-steering and
explained how to follow the compass They had laughed at my old-fashioned stereo, and escape to St Tropez.
point while travelling north from South backpack saying it was not for grown-ups A problem when hiking is that one often
Africa. I advised them to travel 20 degrees and one of them said I was carrying far too meets up with Germans named Schultz,
west of true north whereas I had meant much for a two-day hike. They persuaded Wolfgang, Ingrid and Brunhilde. Not that
to write “travel 20 degrees east of true me to leave behind several items including I dislike Germans - quite the contrary. The
north”. A hiking party heading say, for my monogrammed serviette ring, my problem is they hike with far too much
central Zimbabwe, would end up lost in CD player and a small generator. I was enthusiasm.
the Kalahari and having to eat each other, restricted to carrying minimum rations - They stride ahead and then wait,
if they followed my advice. six chicken drumsticks, six pork chops, a patiently enough, for you to catch up
It was a memorable evening because steak, potatoes, onions, chocolate, jelly sobbing for breath and coughing blood.
hikers are an educated and interesting babies, nuts and raisins. And they say, jovially, “Ha! You made it, ja?”
bunch and when formally dressed are Hikers generally share nothing because, Then, refreshed as they are by schnapps
often indistinguishable from normal as somebody explained, “What if the and crappenworst, they immediately
people. With a brilliant touch of originality, person who was to have brought the stride on expecting you to follow when
the pre-prandial drinks were served drinks or the fire-lighters doesn’t pitch? We all you can do is lie face down in the grass
against a background of recorded rely on nobody but ourselves.” sniffling and groaning.
bushveld sounds. (It was St Christopher, I think, who said,
I recall a Free State hike in which I took “Show me a man crying in the wilderness
part just after I became my own boss after and I will show you a hiker who’s forgotten
years as a newspaperman. I was fretting the refreshments.”)
because my spellcheck was down and I In fact I really had forgotten to bring
was writing a book with some long words. something serious in the way of anti-
I needed a break so I said to my new boss, freeze to drink around the campfire. But
“I’ve worked for a whole week, Sir, and I I soon discovered that, among hikers,
now need to get away to self-actualise.” four squares of chocolate are worth one

32 • Issue 8 2021 • The Villager