Page 26 - IFV_Issue 2_Feb_2022

Humour

loVe iS in the ear How much

do I cost?

BY JAMES CLARKE

ver the years, readers have sent me children's sayings
deserving of immortality - like, "Love is in the ear".
O Last week, I was told of a teacher reading the story,
The Three Little Pigs. She came to the part where the first pig
went up to a man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
"Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my
house with?"
The teacher asked, "And what do you think that man said?"
A boy raised his hand: "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes!
A talking pig!'"
The late Nita Ebelin of Kelvin, Sandton, for years collected the
funny, absurd and wise things children said and put them into a
book entitled How Much Do I Cost? which is long out of print. I
was pleased to come across a copy in a second-hand bookshop.
Nita was mainly inspired by her own children and her two IMAGE: ISTOCK _FAMVELD
grandchildren, Dani (9) and Yoni (7). In fact Dani, unknowingly,
supplied the title: she was being weighed as a toddler and
watched the dial settle. She asked, "How much do I cost?" And Liza - she was asked to say grace before dinner but was
A lot of other children were immortalised in Nita's book. overawed by the presence of her parents' friends. "I don't know
Faye (5) told a friend, "I've just had chicken pox". The friend what to say," she said.
said, "I had fish fingers." "Just say what you hear me say," her mother said.
And hyperactive Jason (8), on medication to control his Liza recited: "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to
hyperactivity, came home and announced, "The Ritalin worked. dinner?"
I didn't hit anybody today." My favourite is about a teacher giving the basics about the
One of the most poignant anecdotes recounted by Nita blood's circulation. He said, "If I stand on my head, the blood, as
illustrates how careful one must be in explaining something to a you know, will run into my head and I will turn red in the face.
child. I’ll quote directly from Nita’s book: For weeks Lenny, aged But, while I am standing upright, the blood doesn't run into my
six, kept telling his first grade teacher about the baby brother feet. Why?"
or sister that was expected at his house. One day his mother Long silence. Then a youngster says, "Cause your feet aren't
allowed him to feel her tummy and the movements of the empty."
unborn child.
Lenny, obviously impressed, said nothing but he stopped GOOD QUESTION
talking about the impending event. Blame Dr Hugh Cobb for the following:
The teacher, worried, finally sat him on her lap and said, At the Henry Street Hebrew School, New York, Goldblatt
“Lenny, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you finished the lesson.
were expecting at home?” "Mr Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger.
Lenny burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!” Accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,
Some sayings in Nita’s book are from other sources including right?"
from my old newspaper column, Stoep Talk. There was "Right."
Nancy (4) for instance, reciting the Lord's Prayer... "and lead us "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
not into temptation but deliver us some e-mail. Amen." "Well . . . OK."
I liked the one about Ben (6) who was most intrigued by Yom "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple; an' the Children
Kippur, the Jewish holy day when people fast the whole day. of Israel fought the 'gyptians; an' the Children of Israel fought
His Jewish mother explained to him that she was allowed to the Romans - the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
eat only after the sun had gone down. An hour later Ben comes important. Right?"
rushing indoors: "Mom, quickly! The sun has gone behind the "Right. So what's your question, Joey?"
clouds - you can sneak a little snack." "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"

24 • Issue 2 2022 • The Villager