Page 16 - IFV Issue 12 December 2023

Humour

I’M A PSYCHIATRIST,

LET ME THROUGH!

BY JAMES CLARKE

n his autobiography Youth, JM Coetzee
asserted that happy people are not
Iinteresting.
“Better to accept the burden of
unhappiness and try to turn it into
something worthwhile, poetry, or music,
or painting,” wrote Coetzee.
I have tried all three in my lifetime – as
well as trying my hand at other things
such as collecting pictures of Hillary
Clinton and growing spinach. None has
made me happy, so I am not sure if it was
working for me.
There was a Muscovite (which I thought
was a kind of duck until I discovered it was
somebody who lived in Moscow) named
Reuben Vardanian, a psychologist, who
famously stated that money is not the
source of happiness. He said, “Whether
you have $20 million or $55 million makes
no difference to your level of happiness”.
I am sure this is true. I would be happy
with a mere $20 million. And I would
certainly be more interesting. I’d even be
happy with $10 million. Even $5 million everything she reads in the newspaper “No,” I said, “not thoroughly depressed.
come to think of it – or even $1 million. (outside of my own column that is). Just miserable. It’s so easy. Think of it,
Yes, I accept: happiness does not move Second, she must keep her happiness to there’s so much to be unhappy about.
up and down with one’s bank balance. herself. Many people might feel insecure at There’s the petrol price and the price
Years ago I reported on a lecture by the thought of there being a happy person of cheese; there’s VAT; our politicians;
the Liverpool University psychologist, freely roaming the neighbourhood. Zimbabwe; government corruption;
David Bentall, in which he said very happy Third, she must seek professional help. Eskom; crime; the constant din of taxis
people suffer a form of mental instability Lolly then asked, “What would the crashing. . .”
that distorts their view of the world. Really treatment do?” “Being normal doesn’t necessarily rule
happy people, he said, might sometimes It would, I told her, make her unhappy out the occasional smile,” I said. “But avoid
be mentally ill but they would be “unlikely like the rest of us. actually laughing because, when you
to seek treatment.” “But that’s absurd,” she said with a come to consider the state of the country,
Lolly Brower, a retired Johannesburg slightly louder laugh. I could now hear you could easily become hysterical and
librarian, telephoned me after reading of hisses in the background, presumably have to go around asking people to slap
Bentall’s theory in my newspaper column. from people trying to doze in the library’s your face.”
“I am worried,” she said with a little laugh reference section. They were no doubt Too late. I could hear Lolly’s laugh hitting
that was immediately indicative of her pointing vigorously at the SILENCE and high C. Above her shrieks and sobs I could
condition. “Most of the time I am a happy STILTE signs. hear people shouting “Silence! Stilte!” and
person but now you tell me it’s a form of “You mean I would have to pay good “I’m a psychiatrist, let me through,” and
insanity. What am I to do?” money to a specialist until, eventually, I’m “What book is she reading? Because I want
First, I said, she must not believe thoroughly depressed?” it next!”

14 • Issue 12 2023 • The Villager