Page 26 - Irene Issue 10 2024

Humour

PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS

BY JAMES CLARKE

have it from a very unreliable
source that Pfizer, buoyed by the
I huge success of Viagra, is now
researching a whole line of drugs
aimed at improving the performance
of men in other ways.
Here are some of them:
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise
attached men reported they
experienced a sudden urge to buy their
partners flowers and little gifts after
taking this drug for only two days.
PROJECTRA – Men given this
experimental new drug were far more
likely to actually finish a household
repair project before starting a new one.
DIRECTRA – A dose of this drug given Photo by Marwan Ahmed on Unsplash
to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72% of them to stop and ask for
directions when they got lost compared
with a control group where only 0.2%
asked for directions. (You’ll never believe this stuff anyway.) “Guess what? Amanda’s got one of
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug Things overheard in 1961: those electric typewriters! Seriously!
reported a sudden, overwhelming “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep And she’s getting almost R100 a month.”
urge to perform more child care tasks, going the way they are, it’s soon going to “Gordon Forbes says Wimbledon
especially cleaning up spills and be impossible to buy a week’s groceries tennis players should get at least R500
changing nappies. for R15.” for playing in the finals.”
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, “They want to call Johannesburg’s “Have you seen the new Chevvy
82% of middle-aged men administered southwestern townships station wagon? R1 200! Who’s going to
this drug noticed that their wives had a “Verwoerdburg”. Others say that, as pay that for heaven’s sake?”
new hairstyle. It’s currently being tested the area is known as Southwestern “We went to a restaurant last night
to see if its effects extend to noticing Township, it should be called Soweto. – they wanted R2.50 for 12 queen
new clothing. That’ll never catch on, surely?” prawns! We ordered barracuda instead
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had “Do you think the police will ever – R1.50. Our favourite wine’s now 25c
the strange effect of making men want catch this fellow, Nelson Mandela?” a bottle!”
to turn off televised sports and actually “What’s all this about the Russians “Do you know there are 100 computers
chat with the family. walling off Berlin?” in South Africa? By next year there’ll be
CAPAGRA – Caused test subjects to “I shouldn’t have bought this another 20! And somebody predicts that
become uncharacteristically fastidious Mercedes – it cost almost R3 to fill it up NCRs R1 million room-sized computer
about lowering toilet seats and replacing this morning.” will be down to pocket-size one day and
toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher “Twenty-five cents a packet? One sell for R10. Ha!”
doses were seen dusting furniture. more price rise and I’m giving up “You like it? I paid R3.50 for the blouse
smoking!” and R7.95 for the skirt at Foschini.”
For adults only “I don’t believe the bioscope does kids “Our favourite Cape coast hotel now
The following is for grown-ups only. any good. You hear film stars openly say wants R30 a week for the two of us.
Everybody under the age of 50 can go ‘bloody’ and ‘damn’. Kids are bound to We’ve cancelled, of course.”
outside and play until I call you in again. follow suit.” (OK kids, you can come inside now.)

24 • Issue 10 2024 • The Villager