Page 26 - IFV Issue 8 August 2024

Humour

BEFORE YOU LEAVE FOR PERTH

BY JAMES CLARKE

I am in possession of a delightful letter ostensibly written by an official in the
British Receiver of Revenue’s office. Being a loyal, tax-paying supporter of our
own Receiver of Revenue in Johannesburg, I have adapted the letter for use
in South Africa should our Receiver, one day, need it to send to an abusive,

whinging taxpayer.

ear the Hon/Professor/Dr/ of the funds levied by taxation, whilst
Rev/Mr/Mrs/Ms du Toit, colourful, are, in fairness, a little off
D I am writing to you to the mark.
express our thanks for your more Less than you seem to imagine is
than prompt (and perhaps rather spent on ‘junkets for the brain dead’,
over-hasty) reply to our latest ‘Youth League binge parties’ and
communication regarding your tax ‘cabinet ministers’ overseas holidays’ -
assessment. I will also try to answer and far more than you have accounted
some of the points you raise. for is allocated to, for example, ‘that
I will address them, as ever, in order. crumbling parody of an education
Firstly, I must take issue with your system’.
description of our last communication A couple of technical points arising
as a ‘begging letter’. It might perhaps from direct queries:
more properly be referred to as a 1. The reason we don’t simply write
‘tax demand’. This is how we at ‘Sucker’ in the subject line has to do
the South African Revenue Service Image by Vidar Nordli Mathisen with the inadequacies of the email
offices have always, for reasons of system.
accuracy, traditionally referred to such 2. You can rest assured that ‘mercilessly
documents. extracting the last microgram of
Secondly, your frustration at our flesh from those with nothing else
adding to the ‘endless stream of to give’ has never been considered
crapulent whining and soliciting contribute to the upkeep of our nation as a practice because the sheer
vomited daily into your email Inbox’ as a whole. medical logistics involved would
has been noted. However, whilst I have Which brings me to my next point. make it financially unviable.
naturally not seen the other letters to Whilst there may be some spirit of truth I trust this has helped.
which you refer I would cautiously in your assertion that the taxes you In the meantime, whilst I would
suggest that their being from ‘councils pay “go to shore up the light-fingered, not in any way wish to influence
run by halfwits, pirate banking houses blighted, toppling folly that is South your decision one way or the other, I
and Mickey Mouse organisations such Africa’s Public Service”, a moment’s ought to point out that even if you did
as Eskom might indicate that your rudimentary calculation ought to choose to “give up the whole corrupt
decision to ‘file the printouts next to disabuse you of the notion that the lunatic asylum and go and live in
the toilet in case of emergencies’ is government in any way expects you, Perth or Sydney with the rest of South
at best a little ill-advised. In common personally, to “finance the whole Africa’s professional class” you would
with my own organization, it is unlikely leading party-run government with still owe us the money.
that the senders of these letters do see its 26 000 BMWs, its family shopping Please send it to us within 7 days.
you as ‘something that needs watering forays in Dubai and Singapore, and
once a day’ or, come to that, as ‘some its annual intake of 370 000 cases of Yours sincerely,
wretched charity’. Johnny Walker Black Label”. Gapa ka Moka
More likely they see you as a citizen The estimates you provide for the Customer Care
of South Africa with a responsibility to Department of Finance’s disbursement Receiver of Revenue

24 • Issue 8 2024 • The Villager