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HUMOUR

HOW I WAS CAUGHT UP IN A SEGS
SCANDAL

BY JAMES CLARKE

ow that London has enhanced its War wearing roller skates because they elevated
Rooms underneath Whitehall from one some distance above the ground. For
Nwhere Britain conducted World War 2 years I never knew what it was to walk at
– the war that began 80 years ago - there is a ground level and it was only after the war,
resurgence of interest in that war. when the cows came home and Segs were
no longer necessary, that I discovered I was
Even in the sleepy Cotswolds where I was not quite a short little fellow.
long ago, I came across a tiny museum filled
with memorabilia of the war years including A few years after the war our biology mistress
- to my joy - a handful of metal studs called announced the time had come to teach us
Segs. Now Segs will mean nothing to most about sexual reproduction. She was very
readers, but to me - I was a small child when embarrassed, and she coyly asked if any
the Germans were redesigning British cities of us knew anything about sex. She was
by dropping bombs on them - the sight of hoping, I suppose, that we would all nod
those studs released a cascade of memories. enthusiastically and she could then skip
the subject and get on with the respiratory
We had moved out of London where I was system.
born, to live in the Warwickshire countryside
where the bombs were being dropped in a Nobody reacted, except me. Having very
less concentrated manner. But life was frugal. narrow ear channels I thought she was asking
No liquorice all sorts and we had to eat ox if any of us knew about Segs and that she
hearts and bowels because (mother said) wanted to reminisce about those dark war
the kids in China were starving. I have never days.
quite worked out how this helped the kids in
China. My hand shot up. She was surprised. Everybody
was.
But there was in the UK a shortage of almost
everything - including cows and this meant She bade me take the floor and I told the class
a shortage of leather. Because leather was how Segs made you feel tall and how really
almost unobtainable, our shoes had to be good Segs caused sparks to fly and set light to
made from imitation stuff, but the soles were hayfields.
of real leather. To make them last as long as
possible my father hammered into them these Noticing the way the biology teacher's eyes
heavy metal studs. shot open I warmed to the subject and told the
class that my father claimed the more Segs
Like Cinderella, I had two ugly sisters who, you had the longer your shoe leather lasted.
despite their tearful objections, had to wear
Segs in their shoes. When we three walked I was about to tell her how the cobbler's wife
down our road to the village we sounded down in the village, Mrs Deeming, would give
like the Brigade of Guards. Dull red sparks us boys free Segs - but she motioned me to
flew from our feet sometimes setting light to sit down and we all had to take out our text
hayfields. books and turn to page 147 and read (quietly
to ourselves) about the reproductive habits of
Walking on Segs was fun for me - a bit like the common newt.

James Clarke
and his two
sisters

44 Kyalami Estates • CONNECT • Issue 1 • 2019