Page 54 -

BACK PAGE HUMOUR

THE AGEING PROCESS

by James Clarke

had a visitor a few days ago – a mother hate 40. Men hate 50. They kid themselves emergency landing. Luckily, I see an
and her teenage daughter. I asked the it’s not middle age. Middle age is 60. Isn’t uncharted island below us and we should
I daughter how old she was and she said, it? be able to land on the beach. However, the
“I’ll be 15 this year”. The mother, rather odds are that we may never be rescued
unnecessarily, said, “In other words she is Sixty is more serious. This is the decade and will have to live on the island for the
14”. when you retire and you have the feeling rest of our lives."
you have climbed a long hill and reached The plane lands safely on the island.
Somebody, I forget who (or even whom) the summit. You retire and start tidying An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
observed that one’s childhood is the only up your papers, but you never finish. "Esther, have we paid our charity pledge
period in life when you wish you were You settle on a brand of whisky. A man donation to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
older. I think the phase ends at 18. I recall might sometimes help his wife – mostly "No, sweetheart," she says.
feeling quite grown up at 18. Every boy by wiping things; usually with the wrong Abe, still shaken from the crash landing
does, until he meets a girl aged 18. cloth. then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United
Jewish Appeal pledge?"
But children less than 10 years old are so Doctors start telling you to eat and drink “Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot!” she says.
excited by the thought of being older that less and you start buying stuff labelled “For "One last thing, Esther, did you remember
they start talking in fractions: "I'm four and fast relief”. to send a donation for the Synagogue
a half!" Then it’s 70. People say, with feigned Building Fund this month?"
An adult would never say, “I’m thirty-four sincerity, “Seventy! But you don’t look it!” "Forgive me, Abie" begged Esther, "I didn't
and a half”. At 80 you are now “over the hill”. This is send that one either."
great only if you are on a bicycle. Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest
When you reach 21, you realise it’s no big At 90 you don’t mind who knows it. hug and kiss in 40 years.
deal. Not like when you became 18 and If you make it to 100 you become a kid Esther pulls away and asks, “So, why did
you’re suddenly old enough to smoke and again. "I'll be 100-and-half in April!” you kiss me?"
drink and do all the things your parents Abe answers, "They'll find us."
warned you about. Then comes the day FAIL SAFE
when you wake up and you’re 30. Now Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for THE AGEING PROCESS, CONT.
you really are grown-up. You have learned a two-week holiday to celebrate their 40th Until I was thirteen, I thought my name
how to behave in public which is really the anniversary. was Shut Up! - Joe Namath
only difference between a grown-up and Suddenly, over the public address And Bob Hope nearing 100 years old: I
a child. system, the captain announces, "Ladies don't feel old. I don't feel anything until
and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some noon - then it's time for my nap.
You reach 40. Forty is neither here nor very bad news. Our engines have ceased
there – unless you are a woman. Women functioning and we will attempt an

52 INTRA MUROS FEBRUARY 2020