Page 50 - IntraMuros November 2021

HUMOUR

PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS

By James Clarke

have it from a very unreliable source that drug noticed that their wives had a new “Do you think the police will ever catch this
Pfizer, buoyed by the huge success of hairstyle. It’s currently being tested to see if fellow, Nelson Mandela?”
I Viagra, is now researching a whole line of its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
drugs aimed at improving the performance “What’s all this about the Russians walling
of men in other ways. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the off Berlin?”
strange effect of making men want to turn
Here are some of them: off televised sports and actually chat with “I shouldn’t have bought this Mercedes - it
the family. cost almost R3 to fill it up this morning.”
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise
attached men reported they experienced a CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to “Twenty-five cents a packet? One more
sudden urge to buy their partners flowers become uncharacteristically fastidious price rise and I’m giving up smoking!”
and little gifts after taking this drug for only about lowering toilet seats and replacing
two days. toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses “I don’t believe that the bioscope does
were seen dusting furniture. kids any good. You hear film stars openly
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental say ‘bloody’ and ‘damn’. Kids are bound to
new drug were far more likely to actually For adults only follow suit.”
finish a household repair project before The following is for grown-ups only.
starting a new one. Everybody under the age of 50 can go “Guess what? Amanda’s got one of those
outside and play until I call you in again. electric typewriters! Seriously! And she’s
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to (You’ll never believe this stuff anyway.) getting almost R100 a month.”
men before leaving on car trips caused 72%
of them to stop and ask for directions when Things overheard in 1961: “Gordon Forbes says Wimbledon tennis
they got lost compared with a control group players should get at least R500 for playing
where only 0.2% asked for directions. “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going in the finals.”
the way they are, it’s soon going to be
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported impossible to buy a week’s groceries for “Have you seen the new Chevvy station
a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform R15.” wagon? R1 200! Who’s going to pay that
more child care tasks, especially cleaning for heaven’s sake?”
up spills and changing nappies. “They want to call Johannesburg’s
southwestern townships “Verwoerdburg”. “We went to a restaurant last night – they
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82% Others say that, as the area is known as wanted R2.50 for 12 queen prawns! We
of middle-aged men administered this Southwestern Township, it should be called ordered barracuda instead – R1.50. Our
Soweto. That’ll never catch on, surely?” favourite wine’s now 25c a bottle!”

“Do you know there are 100 computers
in South Africa? By next year there’ll be
another 20! And somebody predicts that
NCRs R1 million room-sized computer will
be down to pocket-size one day and sell for
R10. Ha!”

“Do you like it? I paid R3.50 for the blouse
and R7.95 for the skirt at Foschini.”

“Our favourite Cape coast hotel now
wants R30 a week for the two of us. We’ve
cancelled, of course.”

(OK kids, you can come inside now.)

48 | INTRAMUROS NOVEMBER 2021