Page 46 - Silver Lakes June 2021

HUMOUR

MAIL

ORDER

KNIGHT-

HOOD

By James Clarke

here’s been a lot of talk lately
of people in high places calling
Tthemselves doctors and professors
when in fact they had no such
qualification. It reminded me of a period,
not that long ago, when Russia abandoned
old fashioned communism and allowed a
freer society. It led to a number of people
assuming long-forgotten titles of which
some were very suspect.

At the time, I received (and I am not
kidding) a letter from Dr B J in der Busch
(seriously, seriously, that was his name)
of Hemelijnstraat, Groesbeek, Holland
who signed himself ‘Emeritus Professor
of Economics; Grand Prior of the Templar
Order, Chancellor of the Lofsensic Ursinius
Order and Member of the Academy Midi’.
The letter was headed HONOURS and
the professor listed honours that were
currently available.
the Templar Order (12th Century) which "What is it, Chicken Pie?" I called down
I must confess I hunger for honours. I comes with two sealed diplomas. from the bedroom as I tried to fish my
belong to that sector of society which has teeth out of the tooth mug.
initials only in front of their names. A knighthood in the Order of the
Lofsensic Ursinius Order (10th Century) "There's a man at the door with a long
I knew of an academic who added ‘OMD’ can be had for a mere $100 and just one sword who wants to fight you. Oh! Hang
after his genuine ‘PhD (Oxon), MSc (Rand)’ photograph. So can a knighthood of the on. No. Sorry... He wants to KNIGHT you! He
and he told me I was the only person who Holy Grail (King Parzival), or a knighthood wishes to bestow upon you a knighthood
had asked him what it meant. It stands of the Order Circulo Nobilario de las and proclaim you heir to the throne of
for ‘honorary member of Densa’ - Densa Cabelleros, or a Captain of the Legion de Silesia."
being the club I formed many years ago for L'Aigle de Mer which includes a medal
those, like me, who were too stupid to get (‘large’). "Does he come with a plasticised diploma?"
into Mensa. I shouted back.
Le croissance! Touts! (I'm sorry, I get very
A friend suggested I add N.U.T.S. after my excited at the thought of all these titles.) "He says he comes with some assorted
name – it stands for ‘not understanding crown jewels - oh, and a tiger's eye for the
the system’. For $200 and six photographs one gets kids. And, guess what?"
into the serious stuff: "six various honours
Dr in der Busch’s letter offered including three medals with band" (a ‘toot "I am trying to think, my Sugar Plum."
membership of the ‘Maison Internationale ensemble’?). He adds "you may include (THINKS like anything.) "I give up. What?"
des Intellectuels’ in Paris. Me! That is to say, members of your family and friends".
Moi! Une intellectuel! Le porte jarrefelles "He has just made me Baroness of
de ma tante et dans le champs! Vragtig! Not believing in half-measures I posted Boukaap.”
off $500 and a dozen pictures of myself in
If I became a member I would get a adulthood. "Tell him that as soon as I get my teeth in I'll
‘passport-like identification book, three be right down."
buttons for the coat and a large plasticised The weeks went by. I could hardly sleep.
diploma for the wall’. All I had to do was Then, very early one morning, there came "He says you don't need your teeth - he's
send $140 (US) and three photographs. a Dutch-sounding knock at the door. offering knighthoods not Gouda cheese."
Or - for the same price plus three My wife answered the door and called up
photographs - I could become a Knight of to me: "Coo-ee! Baby shoes!"

44 INTRA MUROS JUNE 2021