Page 40 - Silver Lakes October Issue 2023

TODAY’S CHILD

One must understand intrinsic versus The rewards should not be material in nature. children are capable of insight, so sit
extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is Rather, they should consist of positive verbal down and try to work out problems
when people do things because they feel responses such as “well done”, “great job” or together. For example, if you ask a child
proud of themselves when they do them. “way to go”. You can also reward them with “Why are you doing this?”, the child may
They have a sense of accomplishment and a special activity that they enjoy, such as not be able to tell you. But if you say, “I
achievement. Extrinsic motivation is when baking cupcakes on Saturday, going fishing at wonder why this keeps happening”, that
someone does something because of the lake or visiting friends. This should not be open-ended question may give the child
external motivation – for example, they will held as a condition, but if you can give your room to speculate. You may be surprised
receive money, a toy or a privilege if they child a goal to work towards, it can act as a by what you learn.
do the task. strong motivator. 7. Stay calm. Losing your temper over bad
behaviour only makes you feel bad and
If you always reward your children with I have also witnessed the success of various look out of control (similar to a spoilt
material things, they will never learn how creative behavioural charts. For some ideas, child), and it doesn’t teach the child to
to motivate themselves with internal visit www.kidpointz.com. behave any better – in fact, the child may
rewards such as taking pride in what they well follow your bad-tempered examples
accomplish. And they will never learn to WHAT CAN I DO TO REVERSE THE later in life.
value things because there are so many EFFECTS? 8. A child out of control is a cry for help,
rewards, and nothing is special. 1. Make sure your children aren’t defining not a sign that the child is spoilt. Best
their happiness and their status in the to start early and set limits consistently,
THE MOST IMPORTANT BUILDING world as a function of what they wear or and to understand the developmental
BLOCKS OF PARENTHOOD drive. Sit down with them and have a one- needs of the infant and young child to
1. Unconditional love – children need to on-one conversation about what really find this delicate, critical balance between
know they are intrinsically okay and defines their worth – their intelligence, freedom and limits.
good enough, and that they do not their creativity, being caring, being giving, 9. Don’t let your guilt get in the way of
have to perform for you to accept them their work ethic, etc. your parenting. Your job as a parent is to
unconditionally. 2. Make sure your child understands the prepare your children to succeed in school
2. Consistency – children flourish when value of hard work. The difference and prepare them for when they go out
there are routines. If life (and discipline) between winners and losers is that winners into the world. You don’t want to teach
is predictable, they can work out how to do things losers don’t want to do – they your children that they will get everything
control their part in it and learn to take work hard to get ready to be a star! Help through manipulation, pouting, crying,
responsibility. In this way, they develop a your children set goals. Teach them that door-slamming and guilt induction.
sense of self-esteem. striving to own nice things is fine if they
3. Availability – children thrive on knowing understand how much hard work it takes Here’s a pertinent question: If you want
they can count on you to be there, to be able to afford them. your children to help clean up, how do you
whether it is to listen, help, support or just 3. Your children do not have to love you get them to do it? You say, “We need to get
be a witness to their accomplishments. every minute of the day. They’ll get over four things done. Which do you choose?”
By giving of your time, you will create an the disappointment of having been told Start by doing it together, then gradually
environment conducive to conversation “no”. But they won’t get over the effects of fade out of the picture. Praise your children
and shared experiences. being spoilt. as they do more.
4. Set age-appropriate boundaries so that
Traditionally, discipline is used as a negative children go after life exuberantly, testing Often, when parents decide to reverse
consequence or a discouragement to the limits. You can start during the toddler the tide, they focus too much on “no”
correct undesirable behaviour. This equates years. and on punishment. But it isn’t about
discipline with punishment and excludes 5. Be consistent. Always do what you cracking down; it’s about creating a value
a crucial part of the formula – reward. say you’re going to do. If you tell your system that enables your child to learn life
The parental team (mother, father and/or children a particular behaviour will have skills. Remember: the shock of changing
caregiver) should agree that punishment consequences, they should know you everything means we change nothing,
must always be age-appropriate, and the mean it. “This time I’m really taking the so take it slowly. You have to make slow,
rule of thumb is consistency. This teaches toy away if you don’t play nicely” doesn’t progressive changes to get it right.
children about consequences and to think work when you’ve already said it 10 times.
before they act. Reinforce positive behaviour more than Suzette Weideman is a clinical psychologist
you harp on about negative behaviour specialising in parental guidance, family
It is never acceptable to physically punish and show your approval when they say interventions, couples counselling, coping
a child when you are angry – this models “please” and “thank you” and when they through and after traumatic incidents, and
undesirable behaviour. Ideal behaviour, not play gently with friends. animal-assisted therapies.
the patterns of behaviour listed earlier in 6. Talk openly about acceptable behaviour as For more information, visit:
the article, should be rewarded consistently. they get older. School-age and adolescent www.suzetteweidemanpsych.co.za

38 | INTRAMUROS OCTOBER 2023