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the Ageing proCess

By James Clarke

i
I had visitors a few days ago – a
mother and her teenage daughter.
I asked the daughter how old she
was and she said, “I’ll be 15 this
year.” The mother, rather unnecessarily,
said, “In other words, she is 14.”

Somebody, I forget who (or even
whom) observed that one’s childhood
is the only period in life when you
wish you were older. I think the
phase ends at 18. I recall feeling
quite grown up at 18. Every boy
does, until he meets a girl aged 18.

But children less than 10 years old
are so excited by the thought of
being older that they start talking IMAGE BY GERD ALTMANN
in fractions: “I’m four and a half!”
An adult would never say,
“I’m thirty-four and a half.”
Doctors start telling you to eat and The plane lands safely on the island.
When you reach 21, you realise it’s no drink less and you start buying An hour later Abe turns to his wife
big deal. Not like when you became stuff labelled “For fast relief”. and asks, “Esther, have we paid
18 and you’re suddenly old enough Then it’s 70. People say, with our charity pledge donation to
to smoke and drink and do all the feigned sincerity, “Seventy! Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?”
things your parents warned you But you don’t look it!” “No, sweetheart,” she says.
about. Then comes the day when At 80 you are now ‘over the hill’. This Abe, still shaken from the crash
you wake up and you’re 30. Now is great only if you are on a bicycle. landing then asks, “Esther, did we pay
you really are grown-up. You have At 90 you don’t mind who knows it. our United Jewish Appeal pledge?”
learned how to behave in public If you make it to 100 you become a kid “Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot!” she says.
which is really the only difference again. “I’ll be 100-and-half in April!” “One last thing, Esther, did you
between a grown-up and a child. remember to send a donation for the
fAil sAfe Synagogue Building Fund this month?”
You reach 40. Forty is neither here Abe and Esther are flying to “Forgive me, Abie” begged Esther,
nor there – unless you are a woman. Australia for a two-week holiday to “I didn’t send that one either.”
Women hate 40. Men hate 50. celebrate their 40th anniversary. Abe grabs her and gives her the
They kid themselves it’s not middle Suddenly, over the public address biggest hug and kiss in 40 years.
age. Middle age is 60. Isn’t it? system, the captain announces, Esther pulls away and asks,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid “So, why did you kiss me?”
Sixty is more serious. This is the I have some very bad news. Our Abe answers, “They’ll find us.”
decade when you retire and you have engines have ceased functioning
the feeling you have climbed a long and we will attempt an emergency the Ageing proCess,
hill and reached the summit. You retire landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted Cont.
and start tidying up your papers, but island below us and we should be Until I was thirteen, I thought my
you never finish. You settle on a brand able to land on the beach. However, name was Shut Up! - Joe Namath
of whisky. A man might sometimes the odds are that we may never be And Bob Hope nearing 100 years old:
help his wife – mostly by wiping rescued and will have to live on the I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything
things; usually with the wrong cloth. island for the rest of our lives.” until noon - then it’s time for my nap.

48 Waterfall Issue 2 2020