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Waterfall Humour

ARE

WOmEn

REALLy

FROm

vEnus? beautiful things around her. “Why must

one lose one’s innocence to become
a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
By James Clarke Dave: Little did she know, but she had
T here are now as many as 60 less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands

of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian
female heads of government
mothership launched the first of its
in the world. In 1960, there was
but one: sirima Bandaranaike, lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
Prime Minster of sri Lanka (then Ceylon). wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
unilateral Aerospace Disarmament By NOVIkOV ALEx
As more and more women are heading Treaty through Congress had left Earth
governments and filling more and more a defenceless target for the hostile
cabinet posts, one is tempted to ask - will alien empires who were determined
it make international relationships more to destroy the human race. Within two
tolerant? Will there be less war talk? hours after the passage of the treaty
Are women really gentler? now in orbit over skylon 4, had more the Anu’udrian ships were on course
important things to think about than for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
In the 1990s, Dr John Gray, an American the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic pulverise the entire planet. With no one
relationship counsellor, wrote Men bimbo named Laurie with whom he had to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
are from Mars, Women are from Venus spent one forgettable night a year ago. diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
inferring that women do have gentler “A.s. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said entered the atmosphere unimpeded.
natures. somebody then cited an into his transgalactic communicator. The President, in his submarine
incident where English department “Polar orbit established. No sign of headquarters on the ocean floor off
students at California state university resistance so far . . . “ but before he Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
were asked to pair off. One had to could sign off, a bluish particle beam explosion which vaporised Laurie and
write the opening lines of a short story; flashed out of nowhere and blasted a 85 million other Americans. The President
the partner then added the next few hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The slammed his fist on the conference table:
lines. Then back to the first person jolt from the direct hit sent him flying “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto
who continued the story, and so on. out of his seat and across the cockpit. that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”

Lisa paired up with Dave. Lisa: He died almost immediately, but Lisa: This is absurd. I refuse to
Lisa: At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which not before he felt one last pang of regret continue this mockery of literature.
kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, for psychologically brutalising the one My writing partner is a violent,
which used to be her favourite for lazy woman who had ever had feelings for chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
evenings, now reminded her too much him. soon afterwards, Earth stopped
of Carl, who once said in happier times its pointless hostilities towards the Dave: yeah? Well, you’re a self-
that he liked camomile. But she felt peaceful farmers of skylon 4. “Congress centred, tedious neurotic whose
she must keep her mind off Carl. His Passes Law Permanently Abolishing attempts at writing are the
possessiveness was suffocating, and if War,” Laurie read in her newspaper one literary equivalent of Valium.
she thought about him too much her morning. The news simultaneously
asthma started acting up again. so excited her and bored her. she stared out Lisa: Idiot!
camomile was out of the question. the window, dreaming of her carefree Dave: Air-head!
youth – with no newspapers to read,
Dave: Meanwhile, Advance sergeant no television to distract her from her (Quod erat demonstrandum.)
Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron sense of innocent wonder at all the But I bet they dated afterwards.

36 Waterfall Issue 7 2020