Page 54 - Waterfall Issue 8 2021

Waterfall Humour

A HikER’s GUiDE

To BARTERinG

By James Clarke

i “Try the Free State,” he said. babies. And after a tough walk I find
bumped into an old friend the
hikers crave things for which 4-year-
other day whom I had last seen
“You are too kind,” I said.
years ago at a formal dinner of
the Johannesburg Hiking Club. Thus I found myself with a hiking group olds throw tantrums in supermarkets.
I had, at the time, just had a book near the Golden Gate walking in valleys It made me realise that had I indeed
published - Survival in the Outdoors crisp with frost. We slept the first night been incarcerated in Siberia, I am
which had an ‘errata’ note glued onto in a spartan 10-bunk hut that reminded the sort whose indomitable and
the title page to make sure it would me of a Siberian forced labour camp enterprising spirit would have
not fall out before the reader saw it. - especially in the frigid half-light of enabled him to barter things and
dawn with all the balaclavaed heads so, secretly build a turbo-assisted
The errata had advised readers sticking out of sleeping bags. Snowmobile, with power-steering
to ignore my advice on page 45, and stereo, and escape to St Tropez.
which explained how to follow the They had laughed at my old-fashioned
compass point while travelling north backpack saying it was not for grown- A problem when hiking is that
from South Africa. I advised them to ups and one of them said I was one often meets up with Germans
travel 20 degrees west of true north carrying far too much for a two-day named Schultz, Wolfgang, Ingrid and
whereas I had meant to write “travel hike. They persuaded me to leave Brunhilde. Not that I dislike Germans -
20 degrees east of true north”. A behind several items including my quite the contrary. The problem is they
hiking party heading say, for central monogrammed serviette ring, my hike with far too much enthusiasm.
Zimbabwe, would end up lost in CD player and a small generator. I
the Kalahari and having to eat each was restricted to carrying minimum They stride ahead and then wait,
other, if they followed my advice. rations - six chicken drumsticks, six patiently enough, for you to
pork chops, a steak, potatoes, onions, catch up sobbing for breath and
It was a memorable evening because chocolate, jelly babies, nuts and raisins. coughing blood. And they say,
hikers are an educated and interesting jovially, “Ha! You made it, ja?”
bunch and when formally dressed Hikers generally share nothing because,
are often indistinguishable from as somebody explained, “What if the Then, refreshed as they are by
normal people. With a brilliant touch person who was to have brought the schnapps and crappenworst, they
of originality, the pre-prandial drinks drinks or the fire-lighters doesn’t pitch? immediately stride on expecting
were served against a background We rely on nobody but ourselves.” you to follow when all you can
of recorded bushveld sounds. (It was St Christopher, I think, who do is lay face down in the grass
said, “Show me a man crying in the sniffling and groaning.
I recall a Free State hike in which I wilderness and I will show you a hiker
took part just after I became my own who’s forgotten the refreshments.”)
boss after years as a newspaperman.
I was fretting because my spellcheck In fact I really had forgotten to bring
was down and I was writing a book something serious in the way of anti-
with some long words. I needed a freeze to drink around the campfire.
break so I said to my new boss, “I’ve But I soon discovered that, among
worked for a whole week, Sir, and I now hikers, four squares of chocolate are
need to get away to self-actualise.” worth one beverage. So are eight jelly

52 Waterfall Issue 8 2021