Page 21 - Blue Valley Issue 2_2023

TODAY’S CHILD

particular child and situation. There Our parenting styles are influenced by There is no questioning, no
cannot be a “one approach fits all” the way we were parented. However, understanding. There is punishment.
policy. We need to be constantly talks on parenting styles neglect to The child must be punished for
cognisant of the fact that behaviour take culture into account. Practices wrongdoing. There is no flexibility,
is learned – and therefore, behaviour of discipline are largely cultural, too. and no modelling of flexibility or
can change. And there is a generational influence growth so the child can learn to be
as well. flexible and to grow as a person. It is
The causes of bullying are systemic. a linear and rigid approach.
Bullying happens within a system and We assume that we can approach life
the system reinforces the process of in the same way our parents did, but • Permissive parenting style –
bullying. Bullying therefore serves a we cannot. That life does not exist parents who struggle to be
function both internally and externally anymore. The current reality is far authoritarian or authoritative in
for the child. It is at this level that we more complex and convoluted than in any kind of a way
need to intervene and uncover the the past. These are scared parents. It is
“why” in the child’s behaviour. overwhelming and daunting for them
Psychologists tend to focus on four to be a parent. They need to take a
Children who exhibit inappropriate main parenting styles: permissive, step back and stop trying to be the
bullying behaviour are generally authoritative, neglectful and child’s friend because this results in a
lacking in empathy, show poor authoritarian. These styles are used in child without boundaries, a child who
modulation or regulation and child psychology today and are based does not know where things begin
poor social reasoning, and display on the work of Diana Baumrind, and end.
communication difficulties. If we a development psychologist, and
address these issues, the behaviour Stanford researchers Eleanor BOUNDARIES
tends to change. Maccoby and John Martin. It is a child’s role to push the
boundaries, and it is our job as
Bullying is symptomatic of a deficit. Each parenting style has different parents to push back. A child does
Disciplining a bully will not change the effects on children’s behaviour not push the boundaries because
system as the underlying reasons are and can be identified by certain he or she wants them to fail. Their
not being addressed. characteristics as well as degrees of role is to test the boundaries, to test
responsiveness (the extent to which your resolve; it’s as if they are saying:
PARENTING STYLES parents are warm and sensitive to their “Are you going to give in or are you
I often hear this about bullying: “It’s children’s needs) and demandingness going to be strong? Because if you
learnt behaviour from home.” Yes, (the extent of control that parents are strong, then I can go on and
the home life creates the context put on their children in an attempt to explore the world and test the next
where behaviour is learnt. However, influence their behaviour). boundary.”
to approach the problem of bullying
from this perspective only results However, I would caution you to The child is testing their space. “Where
in a blame game. When it comes to beware of these four parenting styles. am I safe and where am I not safe?
parenting styles, we need to approach As people, we are judgemental. Where are mom and dad sure and
things gently. We need to understand. So, l will where are they not sure?” The same
oversimplify the styles for the purpose applies in the classroom: “Where is
It is true that discipline starts in the of digging into why the parents are the teacher sure and where is the
home, but the tendency to blame the parenting in that style. In so doing, teacher not sure?”
parents is too pervasive. Naturally, the intervention becomes that much
parents are going to be defensive easier because we understand the Anxious children tend to test
because they are being blamed. A process. more boundaries. Ironically, when
defensive approach has little value in authoritarian parents create rigid
terms of change. We often see that Research tells us that authoritarian boundaries in their children, it
in a parent-teacher meeting some and permissive parenting styles are tends to backfire on them as it
parents come in threatening the staff linked directly to bullying behaviours. often encourages children to rebel.
– and it’s the same way that their Interestingly, they are at opposite Rebellion isolates the child and they
particular child behaves. ends of the continuum: “Do whatever find themselves alone, which makes
you like” versus “You will do what I their world unsafe and scary.
Parents, if this is you, you need say”. Strict parenting and an absence
to understand that this does very of strict parenting may both result in Permissive parents fare no better. By
little to help your child. It actually bullying behaviour. telling their child that there are no
reinforces the view that the child is boundaries, permissive parents offer
the “problem” and you are where the • Authoritarian parenting style – no security and so the child feels
problem originates. “Do it because I say so” unsafe in the world.

BLUE VALLEY NEWS • Issue 2 2023• 19