Page 38 - FWG Issue 3_April_2022
P. 38

Humour






                                                                                                     Meet Ginger. Her
                                                                                                 favorite things include
                                                                                                    going fishing and
                                                                                                   riding in her mom’s
                                                                                                     bike basket. How
                                                                                                   coarse can one get?


                                                                                                               Photo by Sticker Mule, Unsplash














                          HOW COARSE CAN ONE GET?




                                                    B Y JAMES CLARKE



               here’s the elegant art of fly   Local by-laws insisted it had to travel an   by scrumming against a John Deere tractor.
               fishing where you don’t get your   unspecified distance every week – and one   In coarse rugby, it often takes a noisy
               hands dirty – and then there’s the   metre was sufficient – otherwise it would be   debate on the try line to decide if a try has
         Tless elegant art of coarse fishing   deemed to be a building and, aesthetically,   been scored.  This will involve spectators,
         using worms or pap mixed with gravy one   so unsightly they would demand it be   players and the ref.
         kept from a dinner last Wednesday.  demolished. As long as it moved it would
                                            be classified as a ‘vehicle for transporting   Players might wander off the field for a
         A cycling friend described cycle touring   passengers’.               quick ‘dop’ or to punch a spectator. Some
         as  ‘coarse cycling’ because the bikes                                might wander off early to watch the end of
         have fat tyres, bells and panniers filled   But to take Michael’s point about coarse   a Currie Cup match and others might not
         with comfort goods, whereas Sunday   sport – what would rate as the coarsest of   wait for the final whistle before becoming
         cycling when the executive set ride great   sports? I propose amateur rugby.   engrossed in scrambling in the grass
         distances on weightless cycles is elegant                             looking for their teeth.
         stuff – this is refined cycling as opposed   Professional rugby, such as when the Boks
         to coarse.                         play the All Blacks does, of course, become   Remember them?
                                            pretty coarse at times but, compared with   I mentioned Michael Green. He was editor
         There’s coarse tennis too. Coarse tennis is   club rugby or even high school rugby, it is   of the Daily News in Durban and, years ago,
         played by small tennis clubs with worn-  pure ballet.                 added to my personal collection of priceless
         out balls and poorly strung rackets that go                           misprints from newspaper Classified ads.
         ‘plunk’ instead of ‘POK’ when the ball is hit.  Club rugby, especially in rural areas, is often
                                            played on fields well fertilised during the week   One was an ad for a ‘box of puppies’ (it
         Half a century ago, a friend, former daily   by grazing sheep or cows and sometimes on   should have read ‘Boxer puppies’)
         newspaper editor, Michael Green wrote   fields so muddy even ducks carefully walk   And how about . . .
         a  book,  The Art of Coarse Sport  in  which   around them. During amateur club matches,   Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2
         he described a ‘coarse sportsman’ as one   which can be very intense indeed, there are   sneaky neighbour's dog.
         who, when his club receives a government   no paramedics to rush on to the field to set   Female Boston terrier pups, 7 weeks old,
         grant to further his sport, wants to spend   bones or sew ears back on. The wounded are   perfect markings. 555-1234. Leave mess.
         it on improvements to the club bar.  dragged off like dead gladiators and left on   Free Yorkshire terrier: 8 years old. Hateful
                                            the sidelines for friends to patch up or next of   little bastard. Bites!
         Michael described once playing against   kin to claim after the game is over.  FOUND: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat.
         some village club and the opposing                                    Been out a while. Better be a reward.
         captain asked him if his team would mind   Some coarse rugby players love it even   Great Dames for sale.
         lending a hand to move the pavilion. This   when scrumming with a 700kg pack   Cane/baboon tea trolley.
         turned out to be a derelict double-decker   against a 1000kg Northern Free State side,   Garlic - 60 tables for R135.
         bus with no engine.                smelling strongly of Klipdrift, that practices   For sale: ceramic bedside lambs.


                                                  Fourways Gardens • 36 • April 2022
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