Page 34 - FWG Issue 1 February 2024

Humour

DEAR DIARY

B Y JAMES CLARKE

anuary 1. Dear Diary, this is me again, Selwyn! This year Peter said he and Beryl got on fine thank you very much but he said
I have resolved to write something EVERY NIGHT ALL it in a meaningful sort of way. The tea lady didn’t turn up. Gladys
YEAR!!! because I know that “every day is a precious gift” as said “TGIF!” which she said means “Thank God it’s Friday”. Isn’t that
JShakespeare said, or was it Bles Bridges? Today, for instance, clever? Had the rest of the lasagna for dinner tonight and two beers.
I got up (11am) after a heavy night welcoming in the New Year This is not meaningful drinking so I haven’t really broken my New
and blowing a whistle (quite loudly). Mabel Larkin smiled at me Year resolution.
last night in a meaningful way. Went home and went to bed in my
new Christmas Pyjamas with little red devils on them. This morning January 5. Got up. Nothing meaningful happened.
phoned mother to wish her happy New Year and she asked “Who’s
this?” I said it’s your son, Selwyn, and she said “What do you want January 6. Got up. Made scrambled egg for breakfast.
THIS time?” Had some cold chicken for lunch and watched telly.
After last night, have resolved to give up drinking forever. January 7. Got up. Went to work. Said ”TGIM” to everybody but
nobody knew what I was talking about. Mr Beasley came back from
January 2. Dear diary, Got up and went to work. Nothing much leave and said he had been fined R1000 near Beaufort West for
happened except Petrus in Accounts who wanted to go to Mussina doing 141 km/h! He said Beaufort West employs thin cops so they
for Christmas caught a taxi going to Umtata by mistake but says can hide behind telephone poles on those Karoo highways.
he still had a good time. Peter Lloyd in Customer Care met a girl
at Ballito Bay. He said she’s cool and Gladys asked HOW cool? He is still angry about what Jackson did to the rubber plant at
And Peter said “Never you mind” in a meaningful sort of way. Ate the office party last month. I can’t tell you, dear diary, because it
Nando’s, watched telly and went to bed. was DISGUSTING. The plant died. Mr Beasley said that the rubber
plant had been the only intelligent thing in the office. Mabel, his
January 3. Got up and couldn’t find toothbrush. Office still very secretary, gave him a meaningful look so he said he was only joking
quiet. Peter has a date tonight with . . . . . Beryl, that’s her name. The and that quite a few of us were more intelligent than the rubber
computers went down so we just sat around talking about cricket plant. I asked “WHO?” but he wouldn’t tell.
and Zuma except Peter who was talking on the phone in a very low
voice to Beryl who is quite high up in toiletries at the local Clicks. “How about me?” asked Wayne who is BIG and has huge muscles
Went home, ate take-away lasagna (very good); watched soccer on and even Mr Beasley wouldn’t dare call him stupid.
the box. Went to bed. Mr Beasley said, “Wayne you are as strong as an ox and twice as
smart!” Wayne was all smiles after this.
January 4. Got up. Peter was wearing dark glasses today. He said
it’s because of the glare but Gladys said he was hiding a black eye. January 8. Got up went to work.
She asked him: “Didn’t you click?” (She is very witty sometimes.) January 9. Got up.

Fourways Gardens • 32 • February 2024