Page 16 - IFV Issue 7_2023

Humour

SPECTACULAR WEATHER

PATTERNS

BY JAMES CLARKE

obody can read the weather any more. I find
myself becoming more and more neurotic about
Nit. All I know is that floods follow drought. Across
the world from Germiston’s Dinwiddie to Beijing’s southern
suburbs the weather has been doing strange things.
The most spectacular phenomena are usually floods.
Recently, in Northern Italy, persistent rain in the region
saw the paddock of the F1 circuit near Imola transformed
into a rather scenic – but very costly – waterfront marina,
due to the rapidly rising water in the nearby Santerno river.
As a result, the event was abandonded, and billions in
revenue washed away, literally.
And in the US, a Miami man, named Agnew, on television
threatening to sue the federal government for not warning
him in time that a “hercane” (hurricane) was on its way.
Whole communities had to rearrange their street numbers.
Yet, I, living as I do 13 000 kilometres from Miami had MY ADVICE IS:
seen images of that hurricane on television two days before 1. Be alert. Look out for little warning signs like, while watching TV
it struck Florida. The weatherman had actually warned it you detect water creeping up your ankles.
might strike “Floorda” and was headed for where Miami is 2. If you wake up after a stormy night and find your neighbour
– or was. You never know after a hurricane. tapping at your window from a rowing boat do not open your
So if I, living in Gauteng, knew it was about to strike window (for Pete’s sake). Just assume there’s some sort of
Floorda how come Agnew didn’t know? trouble.
The trouble is, people don’t listen to their governments 3. If you have the only high tree in your street, invite selected
any more. Yet if people don’t listen to governments they at neighbours to book a branch on which to perch should there
least do what you are doing right now – they read magazines be a flood.
and newspapers. For this reason I see it, as my bounden 4. Encourage them to practise climbing on to their allotted
duty, to offer readers advice on what to do when they feel branches and sitting on them in their pyjamas (floods always
water rising over the tops of their wellies. And, remember, strike at night) for three or four hours at a stretch so that when
the late summer months are the time of maximum runoff. the real thing happens they will not be dismayed by the lack of
Up here on the ever so Highveld, once we have had our comfort or lack of service.
annual average rainfall of around 700mm, the soil becomes 5. If there are no high trees in your area, practise (with your family)
saturated and the runoff is high - especially in urban areas climbing on to your roof top and sitting there for a night taking
where runoff can be 100 percent. with you your most important possessions such as the DVD
In South Africa, severe floods used to follow severe player and favourite socks. Try standing up without sliding off
droughts as surely as twini follows Umbogin. And, as an because you’ll have to do that when the helicopter arrives.
observer of weather patterns, I was the man who first drew 6. Keep at least a comb up there because you could appear on the
this nation’s attention to the fact that South African farmers TV news. Women might need a bit of makeup.
inevitably ended up clutching their drought relief cheques 7. If the rain really does come down – and this is generally the
while sitting on their flooded farmhouse roofs. direction that rain favours outside Cape Town where it flies
Nowadays anything can happen. horizontally – ensure granny’s water wings are properly inflated.

14 • Issue 7 2023 • The Villager