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HUMOUR

HOW TO CUT

YOUR FINGER

BY JAMES CLARKE

received a knife for Father’s Day last month - an all- jump. The knife was so heavy that when I attached it to
steel American version of the Swiss Army Knife, called my belt my pants fell down.
I a Leatherman. It folds up and has all sort of blades
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truck engines with it. compares with my old jack knife in the same way that a
canoe compares with a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier.
It set me thinking . . . how, when I was a kid and life was
simple, a knife was just a knife. The new Swiss Army knife is not to be sneezed at. It has
29 features including two blades, two screwdrivers (one
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which was a Very Serious sort of knife used by scissors, wire cutter . . . and the sheath itself houses a
interesting people such as the Royal Marine Commandos UXOHU IRU PDS UHDGLQJ VWLFNLQJ SODVWHUV IRU FXW ÀQJHUV
who slit enemy throats with it and Tarzan who stabbed safety pins; a ballpoint pen; paper; needle; thread;
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(Just kidding about the TV - I wanted to see if you were
Nowadays, knives are hi-tech and hi-priced. Some have still reading this, and you were!).
saw edges for, I suppose, lumberjacks; some have
hollow handles in which you can keep survival food like My friend, Monty Brett, the outdoor education man,
Smarties. designed what he calls the ‘ultimate knife’ for people
who are ‘into survival’. By that, he means those rugged
True, we also had folding knives when we were young, types who go into the bush without sun block or cell
but they were simple ‘jack knives’. They had a simple phones.
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to use when extricating stones from horses’ hooves or My little Boy Scout heart beat like a hammer pump when
helping little old ladies cross the road or getting on to I saw it.
buses. "How much?" I murmured.
I clutched at the brain bone when he told me.
I had obtained my jack knife from a school chum – he
swopped it for a snail which, I kidded him, I had taught to Monty then explained the important aspects of a good
knife: its blade should hold its edge even after being
used to prise open a safe; it must be sturdy enough
to cut gum poles as well as for hammering them into
the ground to build a seven-storey survival shelter with
ladies' bar and shaded parking for 12 vehicles.
In critical situations - you know, when your peppermints
have run out, you haven't seen water for seven says, you
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written for ages - "your knife becomes your best friend".
That's Monty's philosophy. It would worry me if my knife
was my best friend. Imagine having conversations with
your knife. Imagine trying to borrow money from it.
Apparently, a survivalist should be able to hammer his
(or her) knife into a tree so that it can be used as a step
for climbing up to get some birds' eggs for lunch (or even
for high tea) or to escape a thin lion.
Monty's knife's handle was made from red bushwillow,
the heaviest wood in South Africa, according to Monty,
who is a fundi on trees. He’s not to be confused with
Polyporus mushrooms which are fungi on trees.
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It set me thinking . . . how, when
I was a kid and life was simple, a
”
knife was just a knife. ”

Kyalami Estates • CONNECT • Issue 3 • 2019
56