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TODAY'S CHILD “It is ok to choose yourself. It is ok to
walk away from those who do not
add value. It is ok to be intentional
with your energy and time, as well as
what you invest in. Say “no”. Say “This
is enough, because I am enough.” You
are allowed to protect your peace, to
create a safe space for yourself. Do
not be afraid to create boundaries.
Boundaries do not need to become
walls. Walls keep everyone out, while
boundaries allow the right people in.
The people who belong in your life
will strengthen the lines you draw
instead of cross them. Do not bend
those lines for those who continually
break them. Do not compromise
what is important to you in order to
fit in for them. Be brave. Be bold in
BOUNDARIES: setting your boundaries.”

BE BOLD IN SETTING THEM!

by Dr Ilse Ruane

oundaries are about establishing others’ comments and criticisms. Common • Avoiding relationships?
how you want to be treated. To set signs of loose boundaries include: • Inability to make decisions?
Bboundaries in relationships is vital as • Believe your happiness depends on
we differentiate ourselves from the other • Over-involvement in others’ lives others?
person. It is the line between where I end • Perfectionism • Take care of others’ needs, but not your
and you begin. Thus healthy boundaries • People-pleasing own?
define who we are in relation to others. • Trying to fix and control others with • Others’ opinions are more important
They help us to know what we will tolerate judgments and advice than your own?
and what the limits are with others. They • Staying in unhealthy relationships • Have difficulty asking for what you want
teach people who we are and how we • Taking on too much work or too many or need?
would like to be handled in relationships. commitments • Going with the flow constantly vs. with
• Avoiding being alone too much what you want?
Good, personal boundaries protect you. • Feeling responsible for everything and • Feel anxious or afraid in relationships?
Without them life feels scary and you may everyone. • Overly sensitive to criticism?
feel anxious. Additionally having a sense
of what your boundaries are help you
to connect with your true self. They are Rigid boundaries can lead to feelings of It is important to remember that
based on your beliefs, thoughts, feelings, loneliness and isolation. Some may also boundaries are learned. If yours were not
decisions, choices, wants and needs. They avoid connection with themselves due valued as a child, then perhaps you did not
can be clear, maintained, and sometimes to concerns of negative feedback. Rigid learn that you may create them. But not to
flexible. boundaries represent protection from worry, boundaries can be learned at any
vulnerability, where hurt, loss and rejection stage in life.
The down side is that when you do can occur and be especially painful. Being
not protect, or you overprotect your inflexible or rigid limits opportunities for It starts on the inside
boundaries, your needs go unmet. This can growth and change. Internal boundaries involve regulating
lead to anxious feelings and behaviours. your relationship with yourself. Things like
Setting healthy boundaries allows you to Feeling some of these? Then it may be self-discipline, healthy management of
feel safe, to relax and to feel empowered to time to adjust some boundaries: time, thoughts, emotions, behaviour and
care for yourself. We need to find a balance impulses. Learning to manage negative
between loose and rigid boundaries. • Feel unable to say no? thoughts and feelings empowers you, as
When boundaries are loose, you may easily • Feel responsible for others? does the ability to follow through on goals
take on the emotions and needs of others. • Concerned about what others think and commitments to yourself.
to the point of negating your own
There is little sense of a separate self and
you may experience difficulty identifying thoughts and opinions? Healthy emotional and mental boundaries
your own emotions and needs. People with • Neglecting your own needs? help you not to assume responsibility for
loose boundaries often are sensitive to • People-pleasing? other peoples’ feelings and problems. It

40 INTRA MUROS MARCH 2020