Page 43 -

TODAY'S CHILD

develops critical thinking. You think about learning and evolving as human beings
your own values, instead of automatically therefore our boundaries need to be
agreeing with others’ criticism or advice. flexible.
A good foundation of internal boundaries 3. Let go of judgment about yourself.
assist in setting external emotional When you can accept yourself for
boundaries. These boundaries make us who you are, there is less need to hide
accountable for our actions and feelings, your true self. A more positive inner
as well as make others accountable for world can help you feel safer with
their actions and reactions. vulnerability. Judging ourselves less
means we are able to judge others
Anger and guilt less. This allows for understanding
Anger often is a signal that action is and makes setting boundaries easier
required. If you feel resentful or victimised because the boundary is then not
and are blaming someone or something, based on a predetermined notion of
it might mean that you have not been the self or the other.
setting effective boundaries. If you feel 4. Carry your own bag of emotions. Feel
anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, what you feel. Do not take responsibility
remember your relationship suffers when for or take on the emotions of others.
you are unhappy. Once you get practice Try practicing openness by being
setting boundaries, you feel empowered willing to listen to others about
and feel less worry, resentment, and guilt. how your behaviour impacts them.
Additionally, you receive more respect Acknowledge and make the necessary
from others and your relationships changes if you are impacting them, but
improve because there is a defined weigh in on what is your responsibility Setting boundaries is a skill, which gets
boundary around what is acceptable in the interaction. Only carry what is easier the more you practice. And the
behaviour and what is not acceptable. yours to carry, give back their feelings, more you practice, the less guilt and fear
you will feel, and the more accustomed
thoughts and expectations.
Setting effective boundaries people will become to your boundaries.
5. There is no black and white. Linked to
There is an art to setting boundaries. It is the above point, everyone's experience Your boundaries are your way of telling
a skill we need to learn. Boundaries are is based on their perception of what is people how you would like to be treated
not meant to punish, but are for your happening. You may have a different and as you become more skilled at setting
well-being and protection. They are more perception. Try to find the bigger boundaries, you will see a shift in how
effective when you are assertive and calm people treat you.
picture.
but firm. If that does not work, you may 6. Pay attention to activities and people
need to communicate consequences to who drain you and those who energise
encourage people in respecting them. you. Protect yourself by saying no to
It is essential, however, that you never those who drain you or find ways to
threaten a consequence you are not fully Dr Ilse Ruane
reduce them through setting limits or
prepared to carry out. lowering unhealthy standards. Add Psychology
more energising activities to your day
Some points on developing boundaries:
instead.
1. Know yourself. This means knowing 7. Practise the pause. When you feel the • Marital, Couples & Family
your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, urge to run away, stop and check in Therapy
choices, and experiences. It also means with yourself. What are you feeling? • Counselling Children,
knowing and connecting with your How would you like to react? Adolescents & Adults
needs, feelings and bodily sensations. 8. Get clear on what you value and desire. • “Teen” Challenges
Without knowing yourself, you cannot What do you really want? What is truly • Behavioural & Adjustment
really know your limits and needs. In important to you in your life? Get clear Challenges
other words without knowing yourself, on your most important values. Use • Stress-Related Challenges
you will not be able to determine which your values to guide your decisions vs. • Adjustment to Depression &
boundaries need to be put in place. others’ opinions or expectations. Use Anxiety
This knowledge will also help you to this to help you find what is missing • Subject & Career Counselling
more clearly define your needs when from your life. • Psychometric Testing
boundaries are crossed. Remember 9. Though you cannot control how others
that setting boundaries is healthy and feel and react to the boundaries you For an appointment please call
actually serves everyone, while putting set, you can do your part in delivering 083 376 1995
others first leaves you feeling tired, your message in a warm and clear way.
resentful and with your needs largely Try setting the boundaries clearly and Fees are charged according to Scale of
unmet. compassionately by labelling what is Benefits
2. Be flexible. Having healthy boundaries happening and why you are setting
does not mean rigidly saying no to this new boundary. Practice Address: 27 Fish Eagle Street,
everything. Nor does it mean becoming 10. Hang around people who add value. Silver Lakes, Pretoria
a hermit to protect yourself from
others. We are constantly growing, Pr. Nr. 0860000114022
Reg. No.: PS 0080543

INTRA MUROS MARCH 2020 41