Page 14 - Dainfern Precinct Living Issue 3_2023

Humour

WHAT'S IT

LIKE IN

HEAVEN?

BY JAMES CLARKE

receive a lot of emails about heaven where, word, made contact:
I suppose, we all want to go. But, like “Marion ... Marion?”
Vosloosburg, nobody is really sure where it is. “Is that you, Bob?”
I And as I am away at present frolicking on the “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
beach in my Speedo on the North Coast, I have “That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
some time to share some of the stories about “Well, I get up in the morning, I make love. I
heaven sent to me by readers over the years. then have breakfast and then off to the golf
course. I make love again, bask in the warm sun
Long ago, says Des Adam in Bedfordview, a and then make love a couple of more times.
woman, Ethel, went to a séance and managed Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – I eat lots of
to contact her husband. She called out in a greens). Another romp around the golf course,
tremulous voice, “Hello Bert, is that you?” then pretty much making love for the rest of
“Yes dear.” the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf
“Are you happy, Bert?” course. Then a bit more hanky panky before I
“Yes dear.” catch some much needed sleep. Next day, back
“Are you happier than when you were with me, on the golf course...”
Bert?” “Oh, Bob, so you’re in Heaven?”
“Yes dear.” “No, I’m a rabbit on Dainfern Golf Course.”
“Oh. (Somewhat hurt) Well, heaven must be a
nice place then, hey?” ARE THERE LAWYERS IN HEAVEN?
“I’m not in heaven, Ethel.” A teacher, a dustbin man and a lawyer reach
heaven.
Linda M Smith told me some time back about a St Peter was in a bad mood for heaven was full.
couple – Myrtle and Joe - who had been married He said they must pass a test to get through the
for over 50 years. Then Myrtle died. A couple gates. He asks the teacher, “What was the name
of months later Joe died. As Joe went through of the ship that hit an iceberg and sunk?”
the Pearly Gates he saw Myrtle running towards The teacher says, “The Titanic”. St Peter lets
him. Joe shouted, “Hold your horses my dear! him through.
The deal was very clear: ‘Until death do us He turns to the dustbin man, and thinking his
part’!” smell might offend the angels, he asks a difficult
one: “How many died on the Titanic?”
This prompted a friend to send me another story The dustbin man says: “1 228” and St Peter lets
about heaven. He told me of a couple who made him in.
a deal that whoever died first would come back St Peter then turns to the Lawyer: “Name them.”
and inform the other if there was indeed life “Not just now, ta.”
after death –
if reincarnation was true. Johannesburg CBD. A hot-gospeller is preaching
The husband was the first to die and, true to his above the sound of traffic: “Repent, ye sinners!
Give up that vile stuff you are drinking. Come
and be saved. All those who want to go to
heaven stand over here.”
“You sir! Why be the odd one out? Come and
join us.”
“Not intereshted!” says the tipsy hobo.
“You don’t want to go to heaven?”
“Nope!”
“So when you die, you want to rot in hell?”
“Oh, when I die? Thatsh different. I thought you
were making up a load right now.”

6 12 DPL issue 3 2023 DPL issue 10 2022