Page 16 - Dainfern Precinct Living Issue 4 May 2023

Humour

HOW TO CUT

YOUR FINGER

BY JAMES CLARKE

received a knife for Father’s Day last month - an all- belt my pants fell down.
steel American version of the Swiss Army Knife, called
I a Leatherman. It folds up and has all sort of blades for This new Leatherman knife I was telling you about
purposes I have yet to work out. You can probably fix truck compares with my old jack knife in the same way that a
engines with it. canoe compares with a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier.
It set me thinking . . . how, when I was a kid and life was The new Swiss Army knife is not to be sneezed at. It has
simple, a knife was just a knife. 29 features including two blades, two screwdrivers (one
a Philips), a wood saw, fish scaler, rasp, tweezers, pliers,
Being a Boy Scout, I had a fixed-blade ‘sheath knife’ scissors, wire cutter . . . and the sheath itself houses a ruler
which was a Very Serious sort of knife used by interesting for map reading; sticking plasters (for cut fingers); safety
people such as the Royal Marine Commandos who slit pins; a ballpoint pen; paper; needle; thread; fishing line;
enemy throats with it and Tarzan who stabbed crocodiles a hook; and a tiny 12-channel television set. (Just kidding
whenever they chased Jane. about the TV - I wanted to see if you were still reading this,
and you were!).
Nowadays, knives are hi-tech and hi-priced. Some have
saw edges for, I suppose, lumberjacks; some have hollow My friend, Monty Brett, the outdoor education man,
handles in which you can keep survival food like Smarties. designed what he calls the ‘ultimate knife’ for people who
are ‘into survival’. By that, he means those rugged types
True, we also had folding knives when we were young, but who go into the bush without sun block or cell phones.
they were simple ‘jack knives’. They had a simple blade for
cutting your finger and a spike for Boy Scouts to use when My little Boy Scout heart beat like a hammer pump when I
extricating stones from horses’ hooves or helping little old saw it.
ladies cross the road or getting on to buses.
"How much?" I murmured.
I had obtained my jack knife from a school chum – he
swopped it for a snail which, I kidded him, I had taught to I clutched at the brain bone when he told me.
jump. The knife was so heavy that when I attached it to my
Monty then explained the important aspects of a good
knife: its blade should hold its edge even after being used
to prise open a safe; it must be sturdy enough to cut gum
poles as well as for hammering them into the ground to
build a seven-storey survival shelter with ladies' bar and
shaded parking for 12 vehicles.

In critical situations - you know, when your peppermints
have run out, you haven't seen water for seven days, you
can't find an ATM that works and your girlfriend hasn't
written for ages - "your knife becomes your best friend".
That's Monty's philosophy. It would worry me if my knife
was my best friend. Imagine having conversations with
your knife. Imagine trying to borrow money from it.

Apparently, a survivalist should be able to hammer his (or
her) knife into a tree so that it can be used as a step for
climbing up to get some birds' eggs for lunch (or even for
high tea) or to escape a thin lion.

Monty's knife's handle was made from red bushwillow, the
heaviest wood in South Africa, according to Monty, who is
a fundi on trees. He’s not to be confused with Polyporus
mushrooms which are fungi on trees.

I must rush, I’ve just cut my finger, badly.

14 DPL issue 4 2023 6 DPL issue 10 2022