Page 16 - Dainfern Precinct Living Issue 5 _2023

Humour

SPECTACULAR

WEATHER PATTERNS

BY JAMES CLARKE

obody can read the weather any more. I find myself do what you are doing right now – they read magazines and
becoming more and more neurotic about it. All I newspapers. For this reason I see it, as my bounden duty,
Nknow is that floods follow drought. Across the world to offer readers advice on what to do when they feel water
from Germiston’s Dinwiddie to Beijing’s southern suburbs the rising over the tops of their wellies. And, remember, the late
weather has been doing strange things. summer months are the time of maximum runoff.
The most spectacular phenomena are usually floods.
Up here on the ever so Highveld, once we have had our
Recently, in Northern Italy, persistent rain in the region saw annual average rainfall of around 700mm, the soil becomes
the paddock of the F1 circuit near Imola transformed into saturated and the runoff is high - especially in urban areas
a rather scenic – but very costly – waterfront marina, due where runoff can be 100 percent.
to the rapidly rising water in the nearby Santerno river. As a
result, the event was abandonded, and billions in revenue In South Africa, severe floods used to follow severe droughts
left foundering, literally. as surely as twini follows Umbogin. And, as an observer of
weather patterns, I was the man who first drew this nation’s
And in the US, a Miami man, named Agnew, on television attention to the fact that South African farmers inevitably
threatening to sue the federal government for not warning ended up clutching their drought relief cheques while sitting
him in time that a “hercane” (hurricane) was on its way. on their flooded farmhouse roofs.
Whole communities had to rearrange their street numbers.
Nowadays anything can happen.
Yet, I, living as I do 13 000 kilometres from Miami had seen
images of that hurricane on television two days before it MY ADVICE IS:
struck Florida. The weatherman had actually warned it might 1. Be alert. Look out for little warning signs like, while
strike “Floorda” and was headed for where Miami is – or was. watching TV you detect water creeping up your ankles.
You never know after a hurricane.
2. If you wake up after a stormy night and find your
So if I, living in Gauteng, knew it was about to strike Floorda neighbour tapping at your window from a rowing boat
how come Agnew didn’t know? do not open your window (for Pete’s sake). Just assume
there’s some sort of trouble.
The trouble is, people don’t listen to their governments any
more. Yet if people don’t listen to governments they at least 3. If you have the only high tree in your street, invite selected
neighbours to book a branch on which to perch should
there be a flood.

4. Encourage them to practise climbing on to their
allotted branches and sitting on them in their pyjamas
(floods always strike at night) for three or four hours at a
stretch so that when the real thing happens they will not
be dismayed by the lack of comfort or lack of service.

5. If there are no high trees in your area, practise (with
your family) climbing on to your roof top and sitting
there for a night taking with you your most important
possessions such as the DVD player and favourite socks.
Try standing up without sliding off because you’ll have to
do that when the helicopter arrives.
6. Keep at least a comb up there because you could
appear on the TV news. Women might need a bit of
makeup.

7. If the rain really does come down - and this is
generally the direction that rain favours outside Cape
Town where it flies horizontally – ensure granny’s water
wings are properly inflated.

6 DPL issue 10 2022
16 DPL issue 5 2023