Page 23 - FWG Issue 5 June 2023

Today’s Child

communication difficulties. If we address an attempt to influence their behaviour). often encourages children to rebel. Rebellion
these issues, the behaviour tends to change. isolates the child and they find themselves
However, I would caution you to beware of alone, which makes their world unsafe and
Bullying is symptomatic of a deficit. these four parenting styles. As people, we scary.
Disciplining a bully will not change the are judgemental. We need to understand.
system as the underlying reasons are not So, l will oversimplify the styles for the Permissive parents fare no better. By telling
being addressed. purpose of digging into why the parents their child that there are no boundaries,
are parenting in that style. In so doing, the permissive parents offer no security and so
Parenting styles intervention becomes that much easier the child feels unsafe in the world.
I often hear this about bullying: “It’s learnt because we understand the process.
behaviour from home.” Yes, the home life How does this carry on into the teen
creates the context where behaviour is Research tells us that authoritarian and years?
learnt. However, to approach the problem of permissive parenting styles are linked A secure child who grows up with boundaries
bullying from this perspective only results in directly to bullying behaviours. Interestingly, knows they have a safe space within which
a blame game. When it comes to parenting they are at opposite ends of the continuum: to function and that life is fairly predictable.
styles, we need to approach things gently. “Do whatever you like” versus “You will do The child without boundaries grows up in
what I say”. Strict parenting and an absence an insecure environment and is enabled to
It is true that discipline starts in the home, of strict parenting may both result in bullying harm parents and friends. This child does not
but the tendency to blame the parents is too behaviour. get the opportunity to learn empathy.
pervasive. Naturally, parents are going to be
defensive because they are being blamed. A • Authoritarian parenting style – “Do it Without set boundaries, a child cannot learn
defensive approach has little value in terms because I say so” about the self and the other. This means they
of change. We often see that in a parent- There is no questioning, no understanding. do not learn to read social cues accurately as
teacher meeting some parents come in There is punishment. The child must be there is a constant blending of the self and
threatening the staff – and it’s the same way punished for wrongdoing. There is no the other. In other words, as a teenager, the
that their particular child behaves. flexibility, and no modelling of flexibility or child is denied the opportunity to develop a
growth so the child can learn to be flexible solid sense of self.
Parents, if this is you, you need to understand and to grow as a person. It is a linear and
that this does very little to help your child. rigid approach. So, permissive and authoritarian parenting
It actually reinforces the view that the child styles either constrict a child’s development
is the “problem” and you are where the • Permissive parenting style – parents or deny the child the environment they
problem originates. who struggle to be authoritarian or need to ensure their optimal development.
authoritative in any kind of a way These parents need to change their style of
Our parenting styles are influenced by the These are scared parents. It is overwhelming parenting.
way we were parented. However, talks on and daunting for them to be a parent. They
parenting styles neglect to take culture into need to take a step back and stop trying to The most ideal parenting style is authoritative
account. Practices of discipline are largely be the child’s friend because this results in a as it allows for open communication where
cultural, too. And there is a generational child without boundaries, a child who does there are rules and boundaries, as well as
influence as well. not know where things begin and end. where fair and balanced discipline takes
place. I am not saying you cannot discipline
We assume that we can approach life in the Boundaries a child, but punitive discipline is a problem.
same way our parents did, but we cannot. It is a child’s role to push the boundaries, and Discipline needs to be seen as consequential
That life does not exist anymore. The current it is our job as parents to push back. A child and immediate, and it must fit the crime.
reality is far more complex and convoluted does not push the boundaries because he Parenting styles should inform our strategy
than in the past. or she wants them to fail. Their role is to test on how to change bullying behaviour.
the boundaries, to test your resolve; it’s as if
Psychologists tend to focus on four main they are saying: “Are you going to give in or • Behaviour management approach
parenting styles: permissive, authoritative, are you going to be strong? Because if you Cognitive behavioural therapy is most
neglectful and authoritarian. These styles are strong, then I can go on and explore the commonly used to address bullying
are used in child psychology today and are world and test the next boundary.” behaviours, but we seldom get the parents
based on the work of Diana Baumrind, a and the bully to acknowledge their bullying
development psychologist, and Stanford The child is testing their space. “Where am behaviour. Hence, we seldom see the bully
researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John I safe and where am I not safe? Where are in therapy.
Martin. mom and dad sure and where are they not
sure?” The same applies in the classroom: This is unfortunate because when a
Each parenting style has different effects on “Where is the teacher sure and where is the behaviour management approach is used
children’s behaviour and can be identified by teacher not sure?” to address the areas that the child or teen is
certain characteristics as well as degrees of lacking in, then the manifestation of bullying
responsiveness (the extent to which parents Anxious children tend to test more would be reduced.
are warm and sensitive to their children’s boundaries. Ironically, when authoritarian
needs) and demandingness (the extent of parents create rigid boundaries in their Little can be done within the home and the
control that parents put on their children in children, it tends to backfire on them as it school environment to address a problem

Fourways Gardens • 21 • June 2023