Page 13 - IFV Issue 4_ 2024

Humour

LADIES: HOW TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

BY JAMES CLARKE

he lunchtime topic was “How high-pitched stuff. And food fell from our her life looking for her man’s lost socks
to kill your husband”. Ronnie mouths more than usual. and taking all his nonsense only to see
TWhitaker, a Durban wife, mother Ronnie was a little nervous of public him stricken by the “Lolita syndrome” and
and author discovered a nice way to speaking but as she warmed to the subject go off with his 22-year-old secretary. “And
do it. I attended the launch of her she began to seem more and more like he doesn’t even wear socks any more.
book where she claimed that to have a Charles Adams disguised as a fruit sundae. It’s slops and Bermuda shorts. He looks
successful marriage depended, quite a “I’m terrified of public speaking,” she ridiculous. But she gets the money.”
lot, on what one calls one’s spouse. said. “A recent study showed that 90 She sounded almost serious when she
Ronnie said, “I call my husband long percent of people say public speaking is said a wise wife ignores her husband’s
distance – he lives 10 000 km away in their greatest fear. Death came second. So affairs – “and certainly doesn’t divorce
England.” there you go, people would rather die than him because then the Viagra popping
The lunch was some time ago at the stand up and speak. It figures, therefore, nymph-chaser will give all his money to
New Chapter Literary Luncheon Club that the men affected (by the advice in my the bimbo.”
at Sandton’s Hilton Hotel, a club that book) are lucky. All they have to do is die She pointed out that affairs are stressful
became defunct when its organiser, while I must stand up here and speak.” and stress is good for heart attacks. And
Jayne Southern, moved back to Britain. Ronnie’s book is just like Ronnie herself. nearly all men who die making love do so
It invited authors to talk about their There’s a cynicism that is very, very funny. while with “the other woman”.
latest books and sell some at the door. There are recipes for “killer food”; recipes Her advice: “Encourage stress and
It launched three of mine but the that are practically guaranteed to give invest in lethal puddings.” She offers
preponderantly female members never the old man a heart attack, in good some serious super-cholesterol killer
fell upon my books with anywhere near time. It’s not cold-blooded murder, you recipes such as: “Healthy Mangoes Ha Ha
the salivating enthusiasm that they understand. There’s no blood involved. – liquidise a large mango with 125-150
displayed for “How to Kill Your Husband”. It’s good fun all round. mg mascarpone cheese. Layer between
Ronnie says, “Women place far too She said, “When my husband had a liqueur-soaked sliced mango and top with
much emphasis on being married – and heart attack we weren’t prepared for it – whipped cream!”
not nearly enough on being widows.” he didn’t have enough insurance.” After The funeral can be a tonic. She told of
She advises women to make sure they saving his life she got him to step up his a drunken abusive husband who died
get what is rightfully theirs – “the old insurance payments. and the hired minister so exaggerated
man’s life insurance”. She says she likes Should one laugh about heart attacks? the man’s almost non-existent good
men, but, “there’s no doubt, some are “I agree, heart attacks are no laughing points that the widow began to giggle.
nicer dead”. matter,” she says. “Well, at least, not until Eventually, with all her friends, she
Oh yes, I laughed and laughed. All 10 the estate is wound up.” folded up in hysterical laughter. Imagine
males who attended laughed. Sort of She says a woman spends 30 years of the wake.

The Villager • Issue 4 2024 • 11