Page 31 - SilverLakes_Issue 4_2022

TODAY’S CHILD

Rigid boundaries Loose boundaries Healthy boundaries

• Avoids intimacy and close relationships • Overshares personal information • Values own opinions
• Is unlikely to ask for help • Has difficulty saying “no” to the • Doesn’t compromise values for others
• Is very protective of personal information requests of others • Shares personal information in an
• May seem detached, even with romantic • Is dependent on the opinions of others appropriate way
partners • Is accepting of abuse or disrespect • Knows personal wants and needs and can
• Keeps others at a distance to avoid the • Fears rejection if they do not comply communicate them
possibility of rejection with others • Is accepting when others say “no” to them

The downside is that when you do Rigid boundaries can lead to feelings of Healthy emotional and mental boundaries
not protect, or you overprotect your loneliness and isolation. Some people may help you not to assume responsibility for
boundaries, your needs go unmet. This can also avoid connection with themselves due other people’s feelings and problems. It
lead to anxious feelings and behaviours. to concerns of negative feedback. Rigid develops critical thinking. You think about
Setting healthy boundaries allows you to boundaries represent a protection from your own values instead of automatically
feel safe, to relax and to feel empowered to vulnerability, where hurt, loss and rejection agreeing with others’ criticism or advice.
care for yourself. can occur and be especially painful. Being A good foundation of internal boundaries
inflexible or rigid limits opportunities for assists in setting external emotional
We need to find a balance between loose growth and change. boundaries. These boundaries make us
and rigid boundaries. This is because when accountable for our actions and feelings,
boundaries are loose, you may easily take Why is it important to set and they make other people accountable
on the emotions and needs of others. boundaries? for their actions and reactions.
There is little sense of a separate self and • To practise self-care and self-respect
you may experience difficulty in identifying • To communicate your needs in a Personal boundaries define where you
your own emotions and needs. People with relationship end and others begin, and are determined
loose boundaries are often sensitive to • To make time and space for positive by the amount of physical and emotional
others’ comments and criticisms. Common interactions space you allow between yourself and
signs of loose boundaries include: • To set limits in a relationship in a way others. Personal boundaries help you
• over-involvement in others’ lives that is healthy decide what types of communication,
• perfectionism behaviour and interaction are acceptable.
• people pleasing It starts on the inside
• trying to fix and control others with Internal boundaries involve regulating your Barriers to boundary-setting
judgements and advice relationship with yourself. This applies It seems obvious that no one would want
• staying in unhealthy relationships to aspects like self-discipline, healthy his/her boundaries violated. So why do we
• taking on too much work or too many management of time, thoughts, emotions, allow it? We fear rejection and, ultimately,
commitments behaviour and impulses. Learning to manage abandonment. We fear confrontation
• avoiding being alone too much negative thoughts and feelings empowers and feelings of guilt. But often we simply
• feeling responsible for everything and you, as does the ability to follow through on haven’t been taught how to set effective
everyone goals and commitments to yourself. boundaries.

Healthy boundaries allow you to: Unhealthy boundaries are characterised by:

• Have high self-esteem and self-respect. • Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the
• Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your
relationship. needs and wants.
• Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion. • Feeling responsible for others’ happiness.
• Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared. • An inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or
• Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay abandonment.
when others say “no” to you. • A weak sense of your own identity. You base how you
• Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from others. feel about yourself on how others treat you.
Recognise that your boundaries and needs are different from others. • Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions
• Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not
yourself. take responsibility for your own life.

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