Page 51 - SilverLakes_Issue 6_2022

LIFESTYLE

HOW TO HANDLE MARITAL OR

RELATIONSHIP CONFLICT

By Dr Ilse Ruane

e have a choice: we can try to bad personality traits and negative every feeling, every desire, every thought
understand our partner or we attitudes, calling these out as the cause – that is conveyed to the other person.
Wcan blame him/her. of their marital problems. The partner’s Some communication can be helpful,
bad behaviour is seen as being frequent but sometimes it is destructive. The
How we view and explain the other (“happens all the time”), deliberate most useful way to use your awareness
person’s behaviour – this is the crux of (“they know I hate it”), and wide-ranging is knowing how to avoid the unhappy,
the emotional problem and the resulting (“it affects everything we do”). harmful interactions. Seeing how happy
conflict. To put it another way, how we and unhappy couples communicate
explain or understand our situation These explanations are going to differently might help.
influences how we try to change those cause problems and intensify marital
problems. conflict because we become much A stereotype of a happy marriage is a
more concerned about understanding couple who like each other, understand
Happy couples tend to accentuate their someone’s actions when tension mounts. each other well, and settle disputes easily.
partner’s positive traits and see these If, within a marriage, our understanding Yet some stable marriages do not fit our
traits reflected in the partner’s decent has become intensely negative and stereotype: some are volatile (fighting
behaviour; his/her negative behaviour hostile, our view of things must change. openly but making up passionately) and
is seen as rare and unintentional or others carefully avoid conflicts, i.e. they
situational. The happy spouse, therefore, It goes without saying that don’t “work things out” but agree to
reinforces his/her partner’s good traits. communication is extremely important disagree. Happy couples have developed
in relationships, especially marriages. various ways of handling the inevitable
In contrast, unhappy couples overlook But many of us are unaware that conflicts, whereas unhappy couples have
the positive and emphasise the partner’s communication includes every message – not.

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