Page 52 - SilverLakes_Issue 6_2022

LIFESTYLE

Unhappy couples first criticise the partner’s Once we start this form of blaming Fourthly, each person thinks the other
behaviour. This gradually evolves into or labelling of the other person, the should initiate the discussion or make
attacking his/her personality, which relationship is in trouble. That’s because conversation. You can make the first move.
eventually degenerates into expressing the next step a person usually takes is
abusive contempt. Naturally, the attacked to deduce that if this problem is the Finally, the worst way to try to change
partner becomes defensive, perhaps by partner’s fault, only they can change it. a partner is through ultimatums. The
saying “it isn’t my fault”, or by feeling While you are viewing yourself as totally change demanded is often not the change
indignant and counter-attacking the partner, blameless (untrue, as we function within desired. Besides, ultimatums are resisted.
or by completely withdrawing emotionally. a pair), you are also assuming you are Understanding the reasons, the meaning
helpless and cannot do anything about behind the demand for change, will facilitate
Both the attacks (usually by women) and the situation (also untrue). change. People who understand each other
the defensive refusal to deal with the accommodate each other better. Changes
issues (usually by men) are a big part of the Such attitudes only block change. Try are needed in both partners, not just one.
problem. In unhappy marriages especially, changing tack: back off, co-operate a little
men do not listen to the verbal messages, and make plans for change. Coping with communication
nor do they pick up on their wives’ non- differences and negative views of
verbal messages. Secondly, bear in mind that although we one’s partner
may complain later, badmouth a partner In general, women are more socially
Unhappy couples frequently just exchange to others and sulk, we are likely to stop sensitive than men. They are better listeners,
hostile accusations, whereas happy saying something to our spouse about more empathic in some ways, and give more
couples may argue, even yell, but will their disturbing behaviour at the time it comforting (warm, caring) responses.
then explore the topic more and end up occurs. Silence does not help. The silent
resolving the difficulty. treatment is not constructive at all as it However, some evidence indicates that
informs the partner that they are being married men, when interacting with their
What happens during conflicts? punished by your actions, by you no wives, do more “good communicating”
During conflicts we become more self- longer validating their existence. than married women, including showing
protective, believing there were good concern for the wife’s feelings, reassuring
reasons for whatever we did. Therefore, Thirdly, while withdrawing, being alone their wives, seeking forgiveness, suggesting
when we start strongly disagreeing with and keeping quiet may be wise reactions, compromises, and remaining calm and
our partner about why we or they did they become mistakes if done all the problem-oriented when arguing.
something, the conflict is hard to resolve. time. Avoiding discussing conflicts and/
Each partner sees different causes. or denying that there are problems On the negative side, women show more,
builds the emotional distance between and stronger, negative emotions during a
We tend to excuse ourselves but believe partners. If you do not talk about your conflict. They are more demanding and
that bad motives or bad attitudes motivate feelings and thoughts, neither of you has a use threats, guilt trips and personal attacks
the person we are in conflict with. Being chance to correct the misunderstandings as forms of persuasion.
aware of the irrationality of our own that cause so much trouble between you.
thought processes can bring a reality This self-protective approach (avoiding Often, the dissatisfied spouses in troubled
check to the situation. Change your own or stonewalling) becomes self-defeating. marriages (both men and women) attack,
thinking, and try to see and understand Men tend to avoid discussing their threaten and walk out during fights. But the
your spouse’s viewpoint. relationships. difference is that women are more open to

50 | INTRAMUROS JULY 2022