Page 36 - Silver Lakes Issue 5 May 2023

TODAY’S CHILD

curiously explore their worlds, tend to
circle back to how you’ve raised them
anyway.

It takes a while, but they’ll unknowingly
steer the conversation back to you and
your guidance. It’s at this point that you
comment back, confirming their correct
use of life lessons without adding
much more – unless they open the
conversations for more.

These conversations are winners
because they afford parents golden
opportunities for throwing in some
experience and guidance under the
ruse of exploration. But only one or two
pearls of wisdom at a time, or the ruse
you when you are used to being the one into their own person, and you have to get is exposed.
caring for them. As a parent, it’s your job to know them at this phase of their life.
to stay the course and to understand the • Lectures
phase your child is going through. Show them that you want to know every At other times, a lecture will be needed.
version of them, even if this version isn’t When such times arise, tell your teen
Your teen is supposed to push the your favourite. By staying in the realm of that it is a serious conversation. That
boundaries and limits, and as a parent you influence, you add value to your teen’s way, they will learn the difference
are supposed to push back to show them development. Ask them questions and between “when my parents are wanting
which boundaries and limits hold. This is really listen to what they say in response. to get to know me and when they are
how you develop healthy adults who know lecturing me”. They tend to switch
what the boundaries are. The idea is to be • Talk less off most times for the lecture, but by
that stable, constant person they’ve always Talking less allows them to talk more. creating a distinction between the
been able to turn to. Stand firmly in your Ask one or two open-ended questions two types of conversations, parents
place so they always know where to find with the aim of exploring their effectively increase their impact in both
you. Let them venture out and return as perspective and let them run with it. In conversations.
much as they need to. these conversations, the goal is not to
provide guidance or a lecture, but to let • Awkward conversations
Conversations them run free. You will be amazed at The nature of teenage sexual intimacy
If you want to change your teen’s behaviour, what they offer when you talk less. requires parents to have discussions
involve them in the process. Otherwise, about more than just the basics of sex.
you’ll be inviting a power struggle. One way When you are genuinely curious to I mention this because their friends at
of involving your teen is by making time to find out about your child’s life, without school and on social media will provide
chat with them. giving lectures or advice back, you get a wealth of information, most of which
the chance to see the beautiful young is incorrect and inappropriate.
I find a car trip to be the ideal opportunity person growing in front of you. It is a
to chat, although it often requires privilege to sit in that space and just From therapy, I notice young teens
listening to some awful teen music first! listen. Answer back with a “hmm” or an being pressurised to be more physically
You could connect over a meal or while “oh, interesting” or “tell me more about intimate. This is not age appropriate.
enjoying an activity you both like. Try to that” to keep the conversation going. Even more concerning is that whatever
have conversations about anything and their peers want them to do creates
everything. Teens tend to think we do not really ‘exposing’ conversation. This is where
want to know how they do life, or cyberbullying and the manipulation and
Hear their perspective on the world, find we want to know all their secrets. By exposure of other teens starts.
out about their values, discover the identity opening the conversation and talking
they are forming as they grow. For so long less, you’re showing your child that Setting the tone for increased sexual
they were young and their views were you’re really interested in what they intimacy in a peer group means
shaped by yours. Now they are growing have to say. Teens, when allowed to increased expectations of physical

34 | INTRAMUROS MAY 2023