Page 40 - Waterfall City July Issue 2023

Waterfall City Today’s Child

Lecture a teen and you lose their attention. Demonstrate and you have to get to know them at this phase of their life.
curiosity and interest, and you will have a conversation as well
as the opportunity to drop in a pearl or two of wisdom. Show them that you want to know every version of them, even
if this version isn’t your favourite. By staying in the realm of
Teens are growing, changing and coming under pressure influence, you add value to your teen’s development. Ask them
to become independent. While we need to give them more questions and really listen to what they say in response.
freedom and make space for their need for independence, this
does not mean we need to pull away from them. In fact, at this Talk less
time of big change, your teen needs you more than ever. Talking less allows them to talk more. Ask one or two open-
ended questions with the aim of exploring their perspective
Stay the course and let them run with it. In these conversations, the goal is not
Stay close and offer your support. Parents need to nurture their to provide guidance or a lecture, but to let them run free. You
teenage children as they grow, just like you did when they will be amazed at what they offer when you talk less.
were younger. It’s tricky because when they were younger,
they acquiesced to parental authority and were willing to listen When you are genuinely curious to find out about your child’s
to your discourse. Now you need to find ways to hold their life, without giving lectures or advice back, you get the chance
attention by creating conversations that add value to their lives to see the beautiful young person growing in front of you. It is
and enable them to grow as individuals. a privilege to sit in that space and just listen. Answer back with
a “hmm” or an “oh, interesting” or “tell me more about that” to
While your teen does not like to be told what to do, you can keep the conversation going.
map out the territory for them by showing them the different
routes they can take, and suggesting the correct path. You have Teens tend to think we do not really want to know how they
raised them, now trust your parenting. If they make a mistake, do life, or we want to know all their secrets. By opening the
jump in and help – but you can only jump in if you’ve created conversation and talking less, you’re showing your child that
a space where they can come back to you when things do not you’re really interested in what they have to say. Teens, when
turn out as planned. allowed to curiously explore their worlds, tend to circle back to
how you’ve raised them anyway.
The conversations are complicated, but the basic idea is the
same. Teens need more connection and guidance, not less. It’s It takes a while, but they’ll unknowingly steer the conversation
their job to nurture their independence. This may feel as if they back to you and your guidance. It’s at this point that you
are pulling away from you when you are used to being the one comment back, confirming their correct use of life lessons
caring for them. As a parent, it’s your job to stay the course and without adding much more – unless they open the
to understand the phase your child is going through. conversations for more.

Your teen is supposed to push the boundaries and limits, and as These conversations are winners because they afford parents
a parent you are supposed to push back to show them which golden opportunities for throwing in some experience and
boundaries and limits hold. This is how you develop healthy guidance under the ruse of exploration. But only one or two
adults who know what the boundaries are. The idea is to be pearls of wisdom at a time, or the ruse is exposed.
that stable, constant person they’ve always been able to turn
to. Stand firmly in your place so they always know where to find Lectures
you. Let them venture out and return as much as they need to. At other times, a lecture will be needed. When such times
arise, tell your teen that it is a serious conversation. That way,
Conversations
If you want to change your teen’s behaviour, involve them in
the process. Otherwise, you’ll be inviting a power struggle. One
way of involving your teen is by making time to chat with them.

I find a car trip to be the ideal opportunity to chat, although
it often requires listening to some awful teen music first!
You could connect over a meal or while enjoying an activity
you both like. Try to have conversations about anything and
everything.

Hear their perspective on the world, find out about their
values and discover the identity they are forming as they
grow. For so long they were young and their views were
shaped by yours. Now they are growing into their own person,

38 Waterfall City Issue 7 2023