Page 41 - Waterfall City July Issue 2023

they will learn the difference between “when my parents
are wanting to get to know me and when they are lecturing
me”. They tend to switch off most times for the lecture, If the friends feel welcome, your teen and their friends will
but by creating a distinction between the two types of be around your home more often. This enables you to create
conversations, parents effectively increase their impact in experiences for them and their friends which are safe, fun and
both conversations. nurturing. An open-door policy for friends is a great way to get
to know who your teens are spending time with and a great
Awkward conversations opportunity for modelling desired behaviours.
The nature of teenage sexual intimacy requires parents to
have discussions about more than just the basics of sex. I The inclusion of friends also provides the opportunity to make
mention this because their friends at school and on social a comment as to why X never comes over to the house. Maybe
media will provide a wealth of information, most of which is they aren’t the people your teen wants to have over, so they
incorrect and inappropriate. should not be spending time with them. Generally, the friends
who are willing to come to your home are the teens you do not
From therapy, I notice young teens being pressurised to mind your child hanging out with – but sometimes they can be
be more physically intimate. This is not age appropriate. a bad influence too, so pay attention.
Even more concerning is that whatever their peers want
them to do creates ‘exposing’ conversation. This is where Don’t take it personally
cyberbullying and the manipulation and exposure of other There will be conflict, just like at any age. Your teen will take
teens starts. their frustrations out on you. Try not to take it personally. See
them instead of their behaviour. You are their safe place, which
Setting the tone for increased sexual intimacy in a peer also means you are safe for them to let out their emotions.
group means increased expectations of physical activity – so,
in order to belong to the group, members must comply with It’s a backhanded compliment, I know. This, again, is why
peer pressure. It’s worrying, and it’s a recipe for rejection, boundaries are essential with teens. You should not accept
mockery and more bullying. disrespect. Being a boundary parent allows you to position
yourself against the disrespect while demonstrating a lot
If parents have open and honest conversations about of understanding too. The only people who do not like
progressive physical intimacy in relationships, when the boundaries are people who have no boundaries.
above example comes up, parents are able to include
comments like “gentleman and ladies don’t kiss and tell” and Teens are learning boundaries. They desperately need to set
“certain sexual behaviours should only happen in long-term, these with peers and girlfriends/boyfriends, so who better to
committed relationships or when you’re an adult”. learn from than through the role modelling offered by their
parents.
Belonging
We all need to belong. Our teens need this too, hence the Three questions I have learnt to ask teens
strong pull towards the peer group. Make your home a place It is so easy to get caught up in what others are doing, even
where everyone feels they belong. This means working hard more so when you are a teen, because uncertainty reigns. I find
on your family culture by creating traditions and memories it helpful to remember what my teachers said when I was at
that feel like home. It also means creating a broader sense school: “Keep your eyes on your own work.”
of belonging by creating a home culture where friends are
welcome. As parents, we need to keep our eyes on our own teen/s. Stop
worrying about what the other teens are doing and achieving,
and the wrong turns they are taking. Just be authentically
present and real with your teenager. When afforded an
opportunity to have a conversation, try one of the following
questions:

1. Do you want advice, or do you want me to just listen?
2. Which decision will make you most proud?
3. How can I best support you today?

Everyone grows into independence when they are ready.
Ease the transition; do not rush it. Remember: the best way
to promote the behaviour you want to see is to model it. Do
you want your teen/s to be kind, gentle and responsible?
Then be that.

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