Page 11 - IFV Issue 6_ 2023

Humour

WHAT’S IT LIKE

IN HEAVEN

BY JAMES CLARKE

receive a lot of emails about heaven inform the other if there was indeed life angels, he asks a difficult one: “How many
where, I suppose, we all want to go. after death – died on the Titanic?”
I But, like Vosloosburg, nobody is if reincarnation was true. The dustbin man says: “1 228” and St
really sure where it is. And as I am away The husband was the first to die and, Peter lets him in.
at present frolicking on the beach in my true to his word, made contact: St Peter then turns to the Lawyer:
Speedo on the North Coast, I have some “Marion ... Marion?” “Name them.”
time to share some of the stories about “Is that you, Bob?” “Not just now, ta.”
heaven sent to me by readers over the “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
years. “That’s wonderful! What’s it like?” Johannesburg CBD. A hot-gospeller
Long ago, says Des Adam in “Well, I get up in the morning, I make is preaching above the sound of traffic:
Bedfordview, a woman, Ethel, went to love. I then have breakfast and then off to “Repent, ye sinners! Give up that vile stuff
a séance and managed to contact her the golf course. I make love again, bask you are drinking. Come and be saved. All
husband. She called out in a tremulous in the warm sun and then make love a those who want to go to heaven stand
voice, “Hello Bert, is that you?” couple of more times. Then I have lunch over here.”
“Yes dear.” (you’d be proud – I eat lots of greens). “You sir! Why be the odd one out?
“Are you happy, Bert?” Another romp around the golf course, Come and join us.”
“Yes dear.” then pretty much making love for the rest “Not intereshted!” says the tipsy hobo.
“Are you happier than when you were of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to “You don’t want to go to heaven?”
with me, Bert?” the golf course. Then a bit more hanky “Nope!”
“Yes dear.” panky before I catch some much needed “So when you die, you want to rot in
“Oh. (Somewhat hurt) Well, heaven sleep. Next day, back on the golf course...” hell?”
must be a nice place then, hey?” “Oh, Bob, so you’re in Heaven?” “Oh, when I die? Thatsh different. I
“I’m not in heaven, Ethel.” “No, I’m a rabbit on Dainfern Golf thought you were making up a load right
Course.” now.”
Linda M Smith told me some time back
about a couple – Myrtle and Joe - who ARE THERE LAWYERS IN HEAVEN?
had been married for over 50 years. Then A teacher, a dustbin man and a lawyer
Myrtle died. A couple of months later reach heaven.
Joe died. As Joe went through the Pearly St Peter was in a bad mood because
Gates he saw Myrtle running towards heaven was full. He said they must pass a
him. Joe shouted, “Hold your horses my test to get through the gates. He asks the
dear! The deal was very clear: ‘Until death teacher, “What was the name of the ship
do us part’!” that hit an iceberg and sunk?”
This prompted a friend to send me The teacher says, “The Titanic”. St Peter
another story about heaven. He told lets him through.
me of a couple who made a deal that He turns to the dustbin man, and
whoever died first would come back and thinking his smell might offend the

The Villager • Issue 6 2023 • 9