Page 30 - Silver Lakes July Issue 2024

TODAYS CHILD

TICS
HOW TO NAVIGATE THE TACTICS OF
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BULL YING AND EX CL USION
BULLYING AND EXCLUSION
By Dr Ilse Ruane
ullying and exclusion go hand in following classic example: Excluders will Children who have felt the pain of being
hand. Often, they are one and the invite a child over and, as the parent, you left out have learned to leave others out.
Bsame. This is because the main tactic are a bit confused because yesterday their Often, it is also the children who are highly
bullies use, be they girls or boys, is exclusion. child told them “we are not friends” or “I insecure in themselves who exclude –
The psychological process behind exclusion do not want to play with so and so” or “so this, in an ironic play for inclusion from
is fascinating: by excluding someone, the and so will not let me play with them”. others.
child doing the excluding guarantees their
position of dominance within the group. But as you navigate parenthood, you think The primary place where excluders
“oh good, they are friends again”, so you learn this behaviour is, sadly, from their
The group members also guarantee their allow your child to attend a party or play parents. Permit me to explain the process
position in the group by supporting the date – only to have them pick on your child, behind this statement. For me, there are
exclusion, thereby ensuring that they talk poorly about them, belittle them and three types of parents responsible for
themselves are not excluded. Thus, ultimately exclude them again. perpetuating such practices:
exclusion creates inclusion. In practice, this
means that if I exclude another child, then I This type of child has learned exclusionary 1. Parents who role model socially
can be sure that I will not be excluded. It is behaviour. As hopeful as a parent can try undesirable behaviour
a basic survival strategy. to be, the sad reality is that this child will It is interesting to watch how the
take on the identity of a bully and excluder mothers and fathers of children who
As parents, we can raise our children to because we become how we think and exclude (and bully) behave. In the
include others and not participate in the behave. parking lot and on sports fields, they
bigger bullying or exclusionary process. are the parents who always have
Therefore, bullying and exclusion are Where do children learn to be something to say about other parents,
learned behaviours. Sadly, every child – excluders? other parents’ parenting styles, other
yours and mine included – have been on the It’s important to be mindful about where children and any authority figures
giving and receiving end of this continuum. the bully or excluder is coming from. such as teachers or sports coaches.
Children who bully or exclude have been I am not referring to the parent
Bullies and excluders are the types of hurt and therefore hurt others. The old who has the occasional complaint –
children that present their parents with the adage, “hurt people hurt people”, applies. this is normal. I am referring to the

28 | INTRAMUROS JULY 2024