Page 31 - Silver Lakes July Issue 2024

TODAYS CHILD

parent who hardly ever has something to be excluders/includers because on the parent and the child’s support
positive to contribute. You may think they have to follow the example their system. Both have failed the bully
it’s a stretch for me to have such far- parents set. Their choice may only child because they did not address the
reaching assumptions. However, if we come in later with normal socialisation problematic behaviour when doing so
think of ourselves as a community of and development, provided that the was so desperately needed.
individuals and view our interactions environment allows them to develop At the end of the day, it is the
as creating space for individuals to be thinking and ideas which go against parent who should be guiding
included or excluded, then participating their parents’ example. correctly, enforcing socially acceptable
in conversations that are negative behaviours and ensuring that their
about others (or overly positive about 2. Avoidant, and sometimes neglectful, child is liked. Parents need to step up
ourselves) creates the space for parents and take ownership and accountability
negative community development. Parents of bullies and excluders often for who their child turns out to be.
state how they have “lost control”, It is never too late to redesign
Part of this process of negative “they don’t know what else to do” and behaviours, but it will require some
community development created “s/he doesn’t listen to me”. While I feel tough calls and, frankly, it will require
by negative talk sets up two distinct for parents in this position, I am also proper parenting. But it’s not going to
camps. Parents, and subsequently their honest with them. be easy. Parenting isn’t easy.
children, have to choose to be in one of If you know your child is a bully, a
two camps: thug or behaves in an exclusionary 3. Parents who acquiesce
• Camp one refers to parents who way towards others, you have possibly These are parents who, albeit
buy into the negative talk about the greatest responsibility of your reluctantly, accept the status quo even
others (sometimes this includes parenting ‘career’ to assist them though they know it’s wrong. They do
talk of this camp’s superiority over to stop such practices and acquire not actively do anything to bring about
others); more socially acceptable behavioural change in their child’s life because “my
• Camp two refers to parents who patterns. child isn’t the actual bully”. They will
see the bigger picture and choose It is essential to get this right, because say that their child did not start the
not to participate in the negative no one will keep taking such behaviour exclusionary behaviour but are merely
talk (and not deem themselves from another person indefinitely. It will in that group of friends.
better than others). ultimately result in your child being At the end of the day, this is semantics
This negative talk in the parking disliked, not having friends (besides because their child has directly or
lot, on the sports field or on play- other bullies and excluders) and indirectly participated in humiliating
date pickups leads to exclusionary eventually ending up alone. someone.
adult behaviour. There comes a point at which the Not all children have role models
environment does turn on the bully, who teach exclusionary interactions;
The ‘us’ versus ‘them’ mentality grows. and they are left alone, isolated and no you may be a very inclusive parent. But
This exclusionary adult behaviour as longer wanted in their communities. as a psychologist, I can assure you that
modelled by the parents explains how This, unfortunately, could lead to them the socially unacceptable behaviour
exclusion (and inclusion) manifests seeking out even more undesirable will rub off on them in time. When
itself in children. sub-communities. children have viewed the bullying and
Incidentally, children do not initially Now while some would say that that’s exclusion and the effects thereof on
get a choice as to which camp they fair because this person gets what they other children, they will in time take on
may belong in or whether they want deserve, I feel that the burden falls the behaviour.
The effects of exclusion on other
children can often be a strong motivator
for your child, more so than being
excluded themselves. The experience
of exclusion lays a strong foundation
for them to participate in these
exclusionary practices as a form of self-
preservation – because to participate
in excluding someone else means I am
still included.
Participating in the exclusion, even
though not actively doing anything to
enforce the exclusionary behaviour,

INTRAMUROS JULY 2024 | 29