Page 32 - Silver Lakes July Issue 2024

TODAYS CHILD

is being guilty by association. In other
words, by doing nothing when a friend
is being excluded is as bad as your child
excluding the friend himself/herself.
Another tricky part of parenting
comes in when you observe how your
child is interacting with others based on
their group membership.
If the membership is shown to be
problematic, socially undesirable or
unacceptable, there comes a time
when a parent needs to step in and
create distance between your child and
poor influencers. Children, especially
teenagers, are social chameleons –
they will become who they hang out
with.

The reality is that at different stages in
our parenting journey, we will traverse How to empower your child • Practise the pause and listen to what
between these and other types of parenting • Listen to them when they bring you a is said and unsaid. That way, you’re
strategies as we find our feet. story, even though you’ve heard about creating a safe space for your child to
this situation repeatedly. Trust me, the navigate the inner landscape of their
Tackling the problem story will be repeated many times over own feelings so that the right actions
We need to teach our children to stand up the course of primary and high school, can be taken. This empowers your child
for one another. This requires us to help and even in later life. to handle the situation themselves and
them develop a moral compass, so that The patterns of bullying and to learn to trust themselves.
they can take a stand against exclusionary exclusion are ever present in our child’s • Linked to the above is the need to
practices which set out to hurt other environment as well as in our own develop the character of your child so
children. In my therapy consultations, adult environment. Thus, inclusion that they seek out like-minded people.
children say they are very aware of what is and morality are vital life skills to teach If children are raised with values of
going on but are too scared to do anything as early as possible and to continue authenticity, kindness, acceptance,
because of the fallout for themselves. to reinforce so that the effects of tolerance and so on, then they will
exclusionary practices are minimised actively seek out such people in their
However, it starts with one child taking a for our children going forward in their world. This will indirectly result in the
stand and soon the entire group of children lives. bully/excluder not being in your child’s
will stand up and refuse to mistreat a child. • I differ in opinion with most parents group as that person will not “fit” the
At this point, the bully or excluder has no who tell their children to “be tough”. I profile of people your child has been
power and will ultimately change their don’t want my children to harden up. raised to be around.
behaviour. Children are innocent and do not need • Try not to sweep in and save your child.
any further encouragement to toughen Empower them instead. Your child
The bully’s power is reinforced with every up than what the world around them knows that you are there and that you
act of complacency by the group. Children presents. will step in front of them to protect
are always telling me: “My friends did As parents, our role is to protect them if needed. Give them the gift to sit
nothing to help me” or “We were not part our kids from the uncompromising alongside them and co-create options
of it because we said nothing – she said all nature and hardness of the world, not that they can implement themselves. A
the nasty stuff, not us.” to expose them further to it. I believe great question to ask is: “How can I best
we need to teach them to retain their support you currently?”
By “doing nothing”, children are kindness and gentle nature. But we • Teach your children to say: “That’s not
perpetuating the cycle of exclusion even also need to help them set down the cool, I don’t like how you treat me/
further. They are bystanders. It begs the appropriate boundaries with people her”; “Stop treating me like that”;
question: “Who is more directly influential when any unwanted practices or “Stop excluding Sarah or James,
in hurting another child: the bully or their patterns emerge, and to help them it’s unkind”; and perhaps the most
accomplices, who know very well what is identify when it’s time to walk away difficult one: “I am walking away now.”
going on?” completely. Important to note here is the second

30 | INTRAMUROS JULY 2024