Page 30 - Waterfall City Issue 5 May 2023

Waterfall City Today’s Child

child and situation. There cannot be life creates the context where behaviour However, I would caution you to beware
a “one approach fits all” policy. We is learnt. However, to approach the of these four parenting styles. As
need to be constantly cognisant of the problem of bullying from this perspective people, we are judgemental. We need
fact that behaviour is learned – and only results in a blame game. When it to understand. So, l will oversimplify
therefore, behaviour can change. comes to parenting styles, we need to the styles for the purpose of digging
approach things gently. into why the parents are parenting in
The causes of bullying are systemic. that style. In so doing, the intervention
Bullying happens within a system and It is true that discipline starts in the becomes that much easier because we
the system reinforces the process of home, but the tendency to blame the understand the process.
bullying. Bullying therefore serves a parents is too pervasive. Naturally,
function both internally and externally parents are going to be defensive Research tells us that authoritarian
for the child. It is at this level that we because they are being blamed. A and permissive parenting styles are
need to intervene and uncover the “why” defensive approach has little value in linked directly to bullying behaviours.
in the child’s behaviour. terms of change. We often see that in a Interestingly, they are at opposite ends
parent-teacher meeting some parents of the continuum: “Do whatever you
Children who exhibit inappropriate come in threatening the staff – and it’s like” versus “You will do what I say”.
bullying behaviour are generally lacking the same way that their particular child Strict parenting and an absence of strict
in empathy, show poor modulation or behaves. parenting may both result in bullying
regulation and poor social reasoning, and behaviour.
display communication difficulties. If we Parents, if this is you, you need to
address these issues, the behaviour tends understand that this does very little to • Authoritarian parenting style – “Do it
to change. help your child. It actually reinforces the because I say so”
view that the child is the “problem” and There is no questioning, no
Bullying is symptomatic of a deficit. you are where the problem originates. understanding. There is punishment. The
Disciplining a bully will not change the child must be punished for wrongdoing.
system as the underlying reasons are not Our parenting styles are influenced by There is no flexibility, and no modelling
being addressed. the way we were parented. However, of flexibility or growth so the child can
talks on parenting styles neglect to learn to be flexible and to grow as a
Parenting styles take culture into account. Practices of person. It is a linear and rigid approach.
I often hear this about bullying: “It’s learnt discipline are largely cultural, too. And
behaviour from home.” Yes, the home there is a generational influence as well. • Permissive parenting style – parents
who struggle to be authoritarian or
We assume that we can approach life in authoritative in any kind of a way
the same way our parents did, but we These are scared parents. It is
cannot. That life does not exist anymore. overwhelming and daunting for them
The current reality is far more complex to be a parent. They need to take a step
and convoluted than in the past. back and stop trying to be the child’s
friend because this results in a child
Psychologists tend to focus on four without boundaries, a child who does
main parenting styles: permissive, not know where things begin and end.
authoritative, neglectful and
authoritarian. These styles are used in Boundaries
child psychology today and are based It is a child’s role to push the
on the work of Diana Baumrind, a boundaries, and it is our job as parents
development psychologist, and Stanford to push back. A child does not push the
researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John boundaries because he or she wants
Martin. them to fail. Their role is to test the
boundaries, to test your resolve; it’s
Each parenting style has different effects as if they are saying: “Are you going to
on children’s behaviour and can be give in or are you going to be strong?
identified by certain characteristics as Because if you are strong, then I can go
well as degrees of responsiveness (the on and explore the world and test the
extent to which parents are warm and next boundary.”
sensitive to their children’s needs) and
demandingness (the extent of control The child is testing their space. “Where
that parents put on their children in an am I safe and where am I not safe? Where
attempt to influence their behaviour). are mom and dad sure and where are

28 Waterfall City Issue 5 2023